ISSUE ZERO: ChemicalRobotiks: It's not a party till the cops smack the birthday girl

I don't know if words can really explain the madness that took place that night and to fully understand you would probably have to be there but I going to do my best to illustrate what happened that night. Here goes. It was a dark and stormy night, not really, it was a pretty nice and sunny day in the summer, friday to be exact and I sadly had no plans for the evening. having not heard back from anyone I went with a long shot last resort and decided to take a chance on the birthday party of a girl named Penny.

Before I go any further I would like to illustrate what kind of person Penny is. Ive known Penny for about 5 years at this point and she has always been right out of her mind. Every boyfriend she has ever had has had to deal with a non stop barrage of small dick comments, insane jealousy to the point where she has fought a stranger for "looking" at her boyfriend, as well as robbing their houses after they had broken up. Penny also doesn't handle alcohol anywhere close to the next man. Anytime I have drank with her it has been fun, but shes the kind of fall down drunk that always causes more problems then you could ever imagine. One time her and I got drunk and after a long and crazy evening we both passed out, or so I thought. I woke up to an apartment filled with smoke because Penny had decided to make some food after I went to sleep and had passed out in the living room long before the meal was finished.

Anyways, enough about her, it was now here 21 birthday and I was on route. At the last minute, as I was leaving I get a surprise call from two good buddies of mine that they have found another party and I should come. I have already committed to Penny, I stick to my original plans which pisses me off to no end since it seems something better has now come up. Begrudgingly, I get ready and head to the party which is taking place in the most bullshit bar I have ever seen on the Danforth, close to Coxwell station. The bar freom the outside looks like it was closed down long ago and and how it passed health inspection is completely beyond me. Nevertheless, I head in to see a group of the most down and out homeless types I have ever seen. Wait, I got side tracked, before I even get in I see Penny having a cigarette out in front of this shit hole and say whats up. She seems to already be slurring drunk and its only 6:30, but it is her birthday so I understand. As i`m talking to her a middle aged black lady walks by and Penny rips into her and starts making fun of her big ass. The woman is not having it and loses her mind on Penny and a screaming match begins with me standing there baffled by the whole chain of events. the woman says that Penny is going to get it and that she `runs`the Danforth but eventually takes off in a huff. After that Penny and I head in and the place is as shit on the outside as it is on the inside. I grab a drink and sit down with the other people there for the party with is a group of gnarly ass derelicts I know from the area.

Heres where it gets fucked, one of the party guests is a recovering crackhead who, for some reason, has decided to relapse tonight and share his adventures with the rest of the party. Penny begins to cry and starts hitting him wildly and storms off. The next thing I remember, Penny was dancing in the bar smoking a cigarette and is soon caught by the bartender who tells her to put it out. Penny is super drunk at this point, its actually several hours after I came and for some reason I thought the night would go off without a hitch, which I was very wrong about. Anyways, Penny goes behind the bar to grab a beer and kicks over a stack of 10 empty beer cases which fall and most of the bottles shatter. The bartender again catches her fucking up but does nothing except clean up the glass and sell Penny another beer. Pennys sister crystal shows up at this point and they begin grinding on each other which is actually the least odd thing that happened that night.

Lets fast forward three more hours of smoking in the bar, throwing and smashing beer bottles and two sisters grinding on each other to where shit really hits the fan. The black lady who was mentioned earlier has now shown up to the bar. In her defense she looks pissed but doesnt say anything to Penny. As soon as Penny sees here it is on. She walks right over to her and starts slapping her own ass saying you big butt bitch, get the fuck out of here. As she walks away she randomly slaps another older lady, and for what reason I have no idea since the two havent spoke all night. although, slapping a complete stranger is not out of character for Penny at all. Back to the story, the black lady goes to pieces and screams at Penny who responds with a empty beer bottle and catches her right across the face. The lady is stunned and grabs Penny by the face. Pennys sister Crystal sees this and hurls her pint glass at the girl and also clocks her in the head. Wile running over, Crystal picks up a pool ball from the table and begins to smash the other girl in the face with it. Penny some how wriggles free and also starts hitting the girl with the beer bottle. I`m about 2 feet away from this at a table drinking a Gin & tonic. No one has tried to stop the fight, barely anyone even looks up. I guess this kind of shit happens often here, I dont know. I dont think the cops were called, I actually think they were driving by and saw what was going on in here and stopped. Either way, 6 or 7 cruisers pull up onto the sidewalk and barricade everyone in the bar. The fight is still going on. And by fight I mean two girls beating the Christ out of the other one with beer bottles and pool balls.

The cops storm in there and I almost expect them to be wearing riot gear. They grab the three girls and separate them but Crystal and Penny keep throwing bottles and chairs at the other lady. At this point the bar tender looses it, which is insane because so much other shit has already happened and he has said nothing and has kept serving us the whole time. The bar tender grabs Crystal by the hair and begins dragging her back and screams at her wile she swats at his face. Penny has cooled off too and is now sitting at my table hollering at the lady who is being held by the police. Heres where the lady fucks up. Im pretty sure most of us would have been arrested, minus me of course, except for the fact that the lady, in a fit of rage, has begun hitting the police officer who is holding her wile trying to break free. She actually punches the cop in the face and after that she is mobbed by most of the officers and arrested. She is still yelling at Penny as she is cuffed and dragged outside. The police leave, they seem pretty fed up with the whole situation and strangely enough the bar tender still serves us more beers after all this and allows us to stay. its about 3 in the morning at this point and close to closing. I am tired but have enjoyed the evening. At no point could I have even predicted that anything close to this was going to happened but fuck, its made for one hell of an evening and one crazy ass story. We all head out of the bar and im getting ready to catch a cab. For whatever reason, Penny and crystal now begin fist fighting in front of the bar. Another girl who has come for the party tries to break it up but has only substituted herself for crystal on Pennys chopping block and is now being smacked around too. The other girl and Crystal yell at Penny a little more and they storm off. Im left standing there and Penny has ran back into the bar, I think she left her purse but I cant remember. All of a sudden a car pulls up and a guy pops out on a cell phone saying yeah, shes still here looking at Penny. I ask the guy whats going on and he says get you fucking friend out of here now or shes going to get shot. I am in shock, I admit the events of the evening were fucked but nothing to get shot over. I run in there and grab Penny and tell her we have to leave now or someone is going to shoot her. In a drunken rage Penny screams let them come. I grab her and a cab and get the fuck out of there before anymore guys come to deal with Penny. I drop her off at her place, thank her for an awesome evening, and take off home.

It is now almost a year later. Tomorrow is Crystal(pennys sister) birthday. This should be interesting. Cross your fingers

ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE: Paint:Sound.

This going to be one epic collision of live art and kick ass music!!
Get your ass some of these tickets, cuz the way things are going, you'll be standing out in the street wishing you could get in, like so many others with you.

Issue Zero covers the CALM protest at Yonge and College

Achievement whores

Copypasta from psbeyond.com

In humble my opinion, achievements and trophies are one of the worst things to ever happen to gaming right after online play. Those 2 things have taken gaming from fun to a world-wide penis contest.

Remember a time before Halo, Guitar Hero and Call of Duty? When being a gamer wasn't cool? Well...even though nowdays we do have the unwashed ignorant casual fratboy gamers who rarely explore gaming beyond the safe confines of Madden and Halo to look up to, there are still people who will make sure that "gamer" and "geek" will go hand in hand for a while longer.

I'm talking about the achievement whore. The achievement whore is a poor excuse for a gamer, who cares about nothing else besides having a big number near their name and uses that number to measure their worth as a human being. They will go to great lengths just to add to that number, including buying used games and reselling them just to get the achievements, as well as getting others to play on their account.

You might be asking yourself if people like that actually exist. Well of course they do. In fact I had a housemate who did the above two, threw a huge fit if she didn't get at least one achievement a day and cyber-date people with an X-Box Live gamerscore of at least 10 000.

I'm never the kind of guy who says "get a girlfriend" because I feel that people who do that on the Internet never had an encounter with the opposite sex that went beyond "cyboring" . Nevertheless, here's some helpful advice for the people in question: just stop. The amount of trophies and achievements you have is not an indicator of your gaming skills, it's an indicator of how pathetic your life is and how much you care about something that doesn't benefit you in any way. The only people you'll impress are just as pathetic as you. If, however, you play a lot of games for fun and just happen to have a high amount of achievements and/or trophies because of that, more power to you.

I sincerely hope that game developers get rid of this mess in the next generation of consoles. The Playstation 2, Xbox and GameCube were doing fine before PSN Trophies and X-box Live gamerscore came about. Believe it or not, most gamers do headshots because it's a one hit kill, not because doing 20 of them will add an inch to their epeen.

And achievement whores, here's a platinum trophy for you: play a game and actually enjoy it.

Issue Zero Magazine: How to Tear the Sky Down.

Hello again, readers, its been a while. We’ll be honest, we’ve been busy.

Factions of the renegade Issue Zero Magazine have been off the radar for too long, but in some minds, not long enough.

And for those lucky citizens, a jolly get your ass some insurance, because summer’s coming. Fast. There will little warning, and it will be very quiet, but at least you’ll get it. Or not. We’re not your damn kindergarten teacher.

I don’t want to alarm anyone but there are several new players this season, of whom which have shown great potential.

I’m actually pretty excited, even though all it takes for me to get excited is oxygen, but really though, its getting to be a little hard to keep calm enough to take a piss.

That’s all for now everyone.

Remember… eat your veggies.

Every last fucking one of them, or so help me God…

ISSUE ZERO: ChemicalRobotiks: Fast Food

This is a haiku about McDonald's, and may very well be the best I've ever written on the subject. Based on a true story...

"A cheese burger, now" (5)
I scream at the bitch in charge (7)
"shut the fuck up, sir" (5)

Here's another funny story about my experiences in a fast food resturant, also a McDonalds. One day, after comming down with the 100 proof flu, I found myself in a Mcdonald's, front of the line and ready to order. I was feeling pretty shitty and figured it was a chicken burger kind of day. Everything seemed to be looking up and at this moment I began to feel a little better. "ummm...can I get a chicken burger and fries" I said to the woman at the counter. Well, without missing a beat she said "that shirt makes you look gay." Thinking back, I can't remember which shirt it was, or if it did in fact make me look gay, but I do remember that it pissed me off, and, being hung over and all, anything was bound to come out of my mouth. Now, in a perfect world I would have projectile vomited right at that moment in her face. I'm sorry to say I didnt, it seemed that that day was one of the few when my stomach was able to hold up. But, what I did come up with was this, "no, I'm gay because I fuck your father in the ass when your mother is out of town." Bam, I was on top again. If your wondering, no, im not gay, but I will say almost anything to shit in someones breakfast. At that moment she looked like someone had given her a gift warpped box of shit for christmas, human shit. Me on the other hand, I felt like Mike Tyson punching out a sleeping infant. It was great. Needless to say, I was asked to leave, without the chicken burger. And whats the moral of that story you ask, "Ignorance begets Ignorance" or "dont fuck with me when I'm hung over you dumb bitch"

It's strange. I often get into altercations like this one in fast food resturants and at this point I dont know if it's the food or the people that gets me going. Maybe it's both. Either way, hope you enjoyed the story

ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE: HOLY HELL ON EARTH, IT'S ABOUT TO GET SUMMER IN THIS PIECE.

Well, well, well, Summer, we've been expecting you.

This summer is gonna be sick as fudge. Between different projects, I'm going to try and find some time for the truest of summer pass-times: getting half-naked, sweaty-drunk.
Not like power-drunk, more like, been-at-all-day, I'm-down-for-whatever drunk.
Which brings me to this: I have a problem with Summer, even though I really like luke-warm nights passed out on a dock, and that's there's not always something to do.

Here's a couple of suggestions, should boredom strike you.

1 Get to the lake. It's perfectly human to get a lift off that.
2 Call your girly up... (awe... that's just nice...)
3 Create company. Build stencils, t-shirts, posters, and stack up on aerosol glue. Print stickers, fliers and banners, and blanket them everywhere. Bomb out a bunch of canvasses, murals, and gear, and create stock. Design a route to take advantage of people flow, and sell pieces while doing radically under priced performance art. By night, poster and stencil company logo over, beside, and under every damn thing from here to there. Gate-crash elitist designer parties and Wreakhouse. (See: gate-crashing a RGD seminar.) Dominate a 15 by 20 foot section of Queen and Spadina sidewalk. (with fuckin lead-based paint in case someone was looking to have it stick around like the yellow line on the street.) INVADE YORKVILLE. Eat breakfast. BUY A BULLHORN, or "find" one. Hassle advertising agencies and design firms, relentlessly. Orchestrate a series of publicity stunts and guerrilla advertisments. Draw something "nice." DONT LEAVE THE FUCKIN BBQ ON. Invite a gang of people over to your joint, crack drinks, crank tunes, and light it the Helloff. Lake-side jams, all night. Brand your lifestyle, and introduce mandatory membership. Hammer like 20 beers down and go tubbing with your crazy buddies. Urban exploration: under-rated. "Crash" and "Parties." Hard. Powerfuck. Get lifted.
Find that little thing that does it for you.
Take in a sunrise with having actually slept the night before.
Listen to the birds.

Raise Hell, and relax in Heaven.

Yeah, so there's three good ideas.
Oh yeah, one last thing...
DO NOT MISS THE LCBO BEFORE HOLIDAYS. ("Man that sucks")

ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE STRONGLY ADVOCATES THE SECOND AND THRID IDEA...It's because sweaty summer sex and ruthless guerrilla campaigns keeps things interesting. The lake's nice, but not that nice.

-keep it real.