There's no secret about the health benefits to India's staple dish, the curry; the dish itself is named after the combinations of spices present, white pepper, ground mustard, ground ginger, cinnamon, roasted cumin, cloves, nutmeg, mace, green cardamom seeds or black cardamom pods, bay leaves and coriander seeds, just some of the spices of the world available. Different countries have different combinations. Then you can add all the stuff that would make Satan himself reach for a pita and a pair of scissors to cut his own tongue out; Elephant Garlic, and about
666 Chillies and a Scotch Bonnet grown in Chernobyl's ground zero. Mostly, cuz thats how Issue Zero does it. (Get with the program.)
You might think to yourself, hell, that sounds tasty, why fix what ain't broke?
(But you wouldn't even say it under your breath in Issue Zeros Kitchen, where we invite ulcers like you call the cops on us... isn't that right, Susan?)
That, annd, hot food makes the Real Active Ingredient travel through your blood stream faster.
The reasoning is this; If you've ever been awakened too early and in the middle of a decent dream, night terror, or hella-wicked-cool nightmare, and no matter how you attempt to induce subconsciousness (drugs, sex, rock and roll, all four) you can't get back to it without a severe departure from the original continuity, then you understand the importance of putting waaaaay too much psychoactive hallucinogens in your healthy melting pot.
the Skinny.
Ingredients - 3 tablespoons vegetable oil, add honey oil to flavor.
- 1 medium onion - taken apart like a redneck infants curiosity with death.
- 666 chillies - hacked to pieces like you've been drinking all day.
- 6-10 dried Bird's Eye chillies, fuck it, throw some actual birds in, too
- 2 whole cardamom pods, check to see if there are mini clones of yourself in it, first
- 1 teaspoon ground cumin seed
- 1 teaspoon ground coriander seed
- fist-sized ginger root, (underground=hades=good shit)
- Half teaspoon turmeric
- Half teaspoon concentrated tomato puree
- Salt to taste
- 1 teaspoon dried fenugreek leaves washed in a sieve and left moist for 10 minutes (optional, but they do give the curry that elusive "restaurant" taste, that's for you Susan, you lily-livered backwoods-Analtwit)
Method - Heat the oil over a high as hell heat and add the onions.
- Stir fry, then add the chillies and cardamoms and fry more until the spices fatten.
- Add the garlic, and turn the heat down a bitch.
- Add the cumin, coriander, ginger and turmeric and leave to fry over a low heat for 2 or 3 minutes, stirring furiously, like the Doctor in "SAW."
- Add about a Mickey of hot water, or whiskey (whathefuckever, Susan,) the tomato puree and the salt, simmer for 30 minutes.
- Get some dead animals, remove the skin (or not) and throw them in.
- If you are using the fenugreek leaves add them 10 minutes before the end of the cooking. If you are making a chick pea curry add them now too. At the end of the cooking there should be just a thick, hot as magma, hella-tasty sauce.
- Susan, go find your purse, and see if you can't find some more chillies.
- Add 112 grams of Psilocybin mushrooms.
- Let sit to stew in its own juices, like a fuckin terrified rich kid in the back of the Douche-Bag Elites stolen mini-van, waiting to see if their parents even want them back.
- (Just for Susan) Make yourself some rice and use it as a base on your plate, so when your candy ass is burping/puking/running outta both ends and your nose, the idea that We told you it would it help will comfort you (you gullible twit) in the brief moments of clarity that you'll wish you had while you run screaming, naked, down the street looking for something sharp to swallow as the red dragons above close in on you. (Bitch)
- GOOD LUCK! and ENJOY!
ISSUE ZERO STRONGLY SUGGESTS YOU FIND A OUIJA BOARD BEFORE DINNER HITS THE TABLE.
We ladies work hard all week, whether it's in the office, at home, running errands, workin' it at the gym, or trying to take over the world. 
