ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE: TRIPLE SICK SKIN REVIEW; GRAVENHURST.

URSA MEGA AND CHEMICAL ROBOTIKS OF ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE WOULD LIKE TO THANK BILL ORCHARD AND JOHN PURKIS OF PSYCHO WARD CLOTHING COMPANY, TONY THEOS AND PETER WOODS OF TRIPLE SICK SKIN TATTOOS AND PIERCINGS, CHRIS CAMPBELL, THE BANDS AZENITH, RAIGN, MASTER OF WEAPON, AND GODKILLER.

AND A HUGE SCREAMER OUT TO MY BROTHERS STEVE CAIRNS AND KARL FLAGGAR OF SCDIGITAL FOR FILMING THE PROJECT.


STAY TUNED TO ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE AND PSYCHO WARD C.C. EVENTS AND ENTERTAINMENT FOR MORE COLLABORATIONS

ISSUE ZERO: ChemicalRobotiks: Paper Zombies

*Fold on the Dotted lines
*cut along the solids

Its easy to assemble and makes a creeping looking zombie when finished. If you find yourself bored, and near a printer give it a whirl. Its pretty funny.

Enjoy

ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE: THE ISOSCELES PROJECT @ SNEAKY DEE'S. FRIDAY THE 13TH 2009

The first time I met Eric Euler... actually, I don't remember the first time. but around the second and third time I'm sure was in the alley behind the Elmo on Spadina. The Issue Zero Magazine triad was ripped from pounding "road-pops." I can't verify this, because, I myself, the person actually involved, was pretty twisted when I smelled the weed.

If it was Eric Euler smoking weed, the guitar player and duck-stepping, mop head-banging front man of the Much Music-raping Isosceles Project, then I am even more impressed than I was when I wasn't sure.
Ob(li)viously.

On Friday the 13th, at Sneaky Dee’s, at College and Bathurst, three guys without a singer got more people rowdy than a band with two singers. The Isosceles Project headlined their CD release party for “Oblivion’s Candle” after the performances by a brit-punk combo I don’t remember the name of, and a second act with some ska that made me feel like it was summer, (some sick saxamaphone actionamon) and made me drink the same too. I don’t remember their name either.

But by God in heaven, when the Isosceles Project got on stage, the whole place went to Hell. Fifty people at the front holding their thumbs and fingers into Isosceles triangles, and the second the was an excuse...Slam-o-Rama. I’ll just start off by saying, I like mosh pits. I do, really. Usually I leave them completely unharmed, part of God’s cruel design, minus some neck pains and some liver issues. But this time, I left with a couple of real nice goose eggs, and somebody’s blood on my face. That’s what I call a good show.

They performed their new song (a Chrono's-melting 15 minutes long) “March of the Obsolete” where some douche bag knocked out the bass feed. They fixed it really quickly, but not before Scott informed us all someone was gonna get it good if they fucked up his chords again.

A stocky 5’10”, easily 180-pound, fully-bearded Scott didn’t have to pound anyone, but it wouldn’t have taken long to do it by the looks of him. They started their "March" again, and it was like there wasn’t ever a cloud in the sky of glorious epic heavy metal and tossing your good friends on the floor and thrashing around all Superdrunkass.

I've seen some killer drummers in my time. Oh, you better believe it, (Ryan Chalmers wrote out bass tab for me once, while playing, a complete mindfuck,) and after that night, I'm putting Justin Falzon in that category, under "unstoppable force of nature." That kid kills it, but good.

Five bucks. I’m not gonna lie, it was the best spent since my LSD days. And in all fairness, I got enough food and beer into me downstairs before the show to justify drinking the good old C.C. I “found” at the liquor store and brought in with me.
I bought the Isosceles Project’s CD. For ten bones, you get it all. The sound is level and strong.

My insulting them in categorizing their actual musical style is more like a fond fantasy of mine where a transport truck called Tool and a full load of Frank Zappa is high jacked by a screaming mad man, who falls asleep at the wheel and drives full speed into Funky Town, slowing for nothing, taking everything out on its magical ballistic and euphonic trajectory.
Oh yeah.

The songs come on a disc that has some sick texture on it; I don’t know what it is, but that shit wont come off. When you pull the CD off the case, you see some Dante’s Inferno artwork that immediately reminds me of a bloody fistfight in a fire pit. (This is a compliment.)

And, finally, when you turn that album on, you can kiss off forty-five minutes of your life you ain't gonna want back.
No fluff.
No bullshit.
No filler repeated chorus’ (there’s no fuckin lyrics AT ALL.)

GO TO
WWW.ISOSCELESPROJECT.COM
AND ORDER YOUR HEAVY METAL VACATION SOUND TRACK.

You wont be disappointed.

ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE WAS PROUD TO BE A PART OF THE FRONT LINE AT THE ISOSCELES PROJECT’S CD RELEASE PARTY.

PSYCHO WARD CLOTHING CO.

BILL ORCHARD PUT A HEX ON EACH INDIVIDUAL PIECE OF APPAREL, IN HIS OWN VOO DOO LOUNGE, SOMEWHERE IN ORILLIA.

BUY ONE TODAY, AND DO THINGS YOU'LL REGRET.

ORDER YOUR T-SHIRT TODAY!!!
PSYCHOWARDCO@GMAIL.COM



ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE IS ALL THE FUCK ABOUT PASSING THE BUCK.

ANNND, AS AN ADDED BONUS, ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE CAN DRINK YOUR LILY LIVERD ASS WAAAAY UNDER THE TABLE. WE'LL SALUTE YOU FOR TRYING, BUT THEN WE'RE TAKING TURNS PISSING IN YOUR OPEN MOUTH.
CHEERS, FUCK-ASSES.

COMING SOON,
TRIPLE SICK SKIN REVIEW!!!

NOW GET BACK TO FUCKIN OFF.

ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE: BRANT HOUSE

OK, FIRST OF ALL, BRANT HOUSE IS FULL OF DOUCHE BAGS.
THE MUSIC IS SHIT, AND THE BOUNCERS THINK THAT GOD TOLD THEM TO GUARD THE PEARLY GATES. THE ONE REDEEMING CHARACTERISTIC IS THAT THE STAFF IS SO DAFT THAT EVEN AFTER BEING REQUIRED TO BE AT LEAST 25, THEY LET MY ASS IN, WITH A MICKY OF GOOD OLD CANADIAN CLUB.

SO WITH THAT SAID, FUCK THE BRANT HOUSE.
LIKE A ROOFY IN YOUR BEER AND A BOTTLE OPENER IN YOUR EAR.

SUCK IT SO HARD YOU DROWN, YOU QUIFF BREATH-FRESHENER.

PS. IF WE DO ANYTHING WE WANT IN YOUR ESTABLISHMENT, YOUR SECURITY ISN'T ITS JOB.

KING AND PORTLAND: GIVE IT BACK TO THE STREET CREATURES.

ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE: MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3D

WELL, LET ME JUST TELL YOU SOMETHING: WITH 3D GLASSES, YOU DON'T NEED HARDCORE HALLUCINOGENS. NOT THAT THEY ARE NOT WELCOME, LIKE I'M FUCKING POSITIVE THE GUYS IN THE BACK ROW WERE JUST SWIMMING ON A HANDFUL, BUT THIS MOVIE WAS THE STRAIGHT UP SHIT WITHOUT A BAG OF MUSHROOMS.
I HAD ONLY A GLASS OF WINE BEFORE THIS MOVIE, AND I MIGHT AS WELL HAVE TAKEN A BLAST OF THAT FUNKY DUST-MIST FROM THE SCARECROWS MASK IN BATMAN BEGINS, RIGHT IN MY OPEN MOUTH AND INHALING NOSTRILS WITH BOTH EYES SURPRISINGLY WIDE OPEN LIKE A FRAT HOUSE TEA BAG AND A CUP OF FART....
HORRIFIC. FUCKING HEART STOPPING.


THAT'S ALL YOU GET. THAT, AND IT'S CANADIAN.
SO GET OFF YOUR WALLET, AND PACK YOUR HEAD WITH MUSHROOMS AND GO SEE THIS SHIT BEFORE SOMEONE SUFFERS A HEART ATTACK AT A SHOWING AND THEY YANK IT OUT OF THE THEATERS.

AZENITH TAKES SECOND PLACE!!!

AZENITH ROUND 3



AZENITH AND THEIR MURDEROUS STEAM TAKE 2ND PLACE!

MORE CLIPS FROM THE BELT HOLDERS: GOD KILLER!