ISSUE ZERO: Chemical Robotiks: Mark of the Beast (LGF)

Untraceable: movie review

Untraceable is basically a bullshit movie. enough said. The story takes place present day where a website goes up that offers live streaming video of human execution to the whole world. The kink to this movie is that the victim is hooked to a machine that slowly administers poison. what determines the rate that the poisons is given is the amount of viewers watching the death. so, as more viewers come to watch the killing the quicker the person is killed. simple enough right. sure. why not. thats probable the most interesting thing about this movie. they should have just left it right there, a psychopathic fucker who kills people in a creative way. I have never seen people killed like that in a movie before so there is a chance I might have liked it. or at least applauded the creativity of the story. But no, they fucked all that shit to hell. The start introducing a weak back story to the killer that they figure out and solve in about 10 seconds. Its like "o shit, theres a reason why he..." and then the actor is immediately cut off by the answer: the killer is a kid who's daddy committed suicide and the cable networks aired it and now he's taking his revenge. boo fucking whooo little boy. Fuck it never ends with this movie, just one fuck up after another. Half the fun of a flick like this is trying to figure out who the killer is and they blew all that to hell too by showing the killer and his face not even half way though. Couldn't they have just saved it till the end like every other horror or thriller film. no! fuck no! why do that when we can blow it again.

Story aside, the movie looks budget as fuck. There are only a few locations where the movie takes place and they could honestly all be in the same house. Variety of sets, fuck no, that coasts money. money we obviously don't have. The acting is no more then what you would expect from such a shit movie, and, to top it all off, they included Tom Hanks' talentless son, Colin. Fucking hell, this movie has nothing going for it and i honestly think people should avoid it. you way get a bit of enjoyment out of seeing Colin Hanks die but thats about it.

now you may be wondering why this post is called mark of the beast, since it has nothing to do with the movie and was never mentioned in the review. well, here it comes assholes. The number one tip-off to any viewer that this film was going to be nothing more than a steaming pile...
That's right. It's a Lions Gate Film. Everything put out by these fuckers is the most absolute bottom of the barrel bullshit running. Their logo at the beginning of any film is like the mark of the beast, dubbing it immediately as pure evil from the bottom pits of hell. If you see this as your movie is beginning you should leave right then and there and ask for your money back. If anyone reading this owns any movies by them or if you ever rent a movie and you're like "Fuck! that movie was so bad. i mean, Jesus, that was SO FUCKING BAD!" and you flip the tape over and see LFG(which you will) take out your hammer and smash it to hell. you will feel better. Lions Gate films are so bad they should have a warning on them because everyone should have at least a fair chance to get away before subjecting themselves to anything put out by them. I know everyone is different and your probably thinking "why does this guy hate Lions gate so bad." Heres why fucker: They never make a good movie. ever. plain and simple. most companies strike out, fuck, they all do now and then but they all also come back and release something good as well. I honestly challenge anyone to come up with (and post in the comment section of this entry) a decent film from LGF. It can't be done, and this movie is no exception. Just another crap movie from LGF

I give this movie 2 stars out of a countless galaxy.


ps - if your watching a movie in theaters and Lions Gate's logo comes up during the previews be
sure to boo it

ISSUE ZERO: AUDIO BRANDING TRAUMA

Am I louder than everyone else, or can I just hear myself better that other people and other audible vibration? I'll tell you, I'll tell you all, from very far away.
If your anything at all, even a remote, tiny crumb of resemblance of me, you've found yourself in front of a gigodamnedgantic stack of speakers at a concert, and recognize you are probably, maybe in the eyes of God itself, much inferior to its vision and balance destroying output.
Then there's those times when the song's over, and every one cheers.
And when that finally subsides, you can still hear me.
Sometimes, and by that, I mean almost always, you can hear me while the song is still playing.
Does this add to the whole experience? You're fuckin right it does. Unlike some people that get lost in the sound of cellphone vibrating, I, like the rest of the life-hungry members of this hellbent consortum, can project.
My voice is just like my craft. Loud.
If you got something to say, stand the fuck up and speak your piece.
Don't, and be the gap in poorly kerned text in a text nobody's gonna fuckin read anyways.
PROJECT YOUR OPINIONS.

Issue Zero: An old medium, a new message

Day after day.... Year after year... marketers and corporate artists find the newest fad in pushing their products upon us. With a clever blend of color and a dash of risque, they get our interest in a product or a service that we did just fine without a day ago: They seek to turn it from convienence to nessecity to get us hooked. Fast food, soft drinks, fashion.... the list goes on.

Here at Issue Zero, we push the limits of risque - from 'tongue in cheek' to just downright offensive. The Art that passes through here - it's purpose is not to draw you in, not to incite a feeling: its purpose is to just exist - solely an expression of its creator. If you dig it, jump in; if not, then just move on.

What becomes of this digital real estate - A silent expression of self or an internet phenom: The possibilities are endless.


Stay tuned.

ISSUE ZERO: MAD LOVE

I love you,
and I'm not sayin that to be cute or poetic or romantic, baby...I'm fuckin serious...
Yeah, thats right, I ain't gotta sugar it up, cuz buttercup, you got enough to have a glorified barber rip every one one of the teeth outta my head, baby, you heard what I said...
I'm fuckin serious...yeah, thats right, like fuckin cancer.
People are gonna say congradulations, and the others are gonna sound like flatulations, but there aint no debating, that my love for you is deeper then the Superior basin, and the intellect of asians,
thats right, I'm serious...
I love you.

ISSUE ZERO: LONDON: Linked for Life

Eli Manning's Super Bowl win shocked many as his athletic career consisted of living in the shadows of his older brother. Runts of families everywhere must have rejoiced. Sometimes, we witness the babies of the family undergo drastic measures to at least get on the same stage as their older siblings.

Whether it's Ashlee Simpson's rhinoplasty (someone should really rename that medical term) or Jamie Lynn Spears' teenage pregnancy (seriously, good luck sharing Brit Brit's craze), younger siblings have traditionally strived to shine with their own talents--or, talents their older siblings have highlighted first.

You hear it all the time. "Mom, how come Jessica gets to take her clothes off on MTV first?"

Many studies, including a Norwegian one of human families determined that the birth order tends to correlate with IQ levels, with the oldest siblings scoring the highest.

This is probably the best time to write that I am the oldest of three girls--not my intention to boast about my IQ, but simply to say that the oldest siblings don't necessarily get all the perks. It ain't all roses in the elder garden. Because in our family, the youngest receive things first, parents mess them up the least, and the oldest learns things the hard way, only to soften the path for the young ones.

In some families, siblings are constantly compared to one another, resulting in negative energy and unhealthy competition (the kind where you actually wish ill things upon the other). My family accepts us all for what we are, in our birth order: a slightly bi-polar and vastly dramatic writer, an extremely mellow mother of two, and a classic case of the melancholy teen.

Granted, we all differ and we all have our talents. Some live in families that cater more towards the oldest siblings, while others live in families that favour the younger ones. And if you're really lucky--like I am--you'll be part of a family that is consciously aware of your flaws, and remains pretty unsure as to whose faults are more detrimental.

~London

ISSUE ZERO: Nine Times Outta Ten.

If you put a stripper pole in a club, you can bet that with in the first swarm of women to see it, will play on that thing. In fact, if you put a stripper pole in church, you can pretty much bet that thing is gonna see some kind of use. If they put a stripper pole on the moon, right where they used to have the American flag, NASA would be a booming industry. If there was a stripper pole beside every smouldering chemical exhaust chimney, you could bet the god damned farm and all the livestock that the global warming issue would at least take a small turn for the better.

ISSUE ZERO: Cantina Charlie, Strap your diaper tight, cuz I'm the shit you can't handle.

Within the first couple weeks at OCAD, some dangerously adventuous-type deposited a bunch of flyers to a bar called Cantina Charlie's. At first, I was on the warpath. Who in their right mind puts something like that in my locker? They clearly had no idea what they were doing, because the desired effect is going to be missed. My lovely Fiance and I are going there tonight. Few will be remembered, many will remember it.
Cantina Charlie's, your ass is ours.
not your pimp's.