ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE: ISSUE ZERO: Gorilla Monsoon; The Anti-Bar.

FOR ALL LAWYERS AND CONCERNED CITIZENS

THE METHODS OF PERSUASION USED BY THE ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE "STREET TEAM" ARE COMMITTED BY A FACTION OF OUR ADMINISTRATION, AND THOUGH WE SUPPORT THEM IN VOICE, THEIR ACTIONS ARE NOT OUR OWN.

OBJECTIVES SUCH AS:
1 STICKER PLACEMENT ON SOUGHT AFTER, GENRE AND STYLE-SPECIFIC PRODUCTS, I.E. CD'S, CLOTHING, BOOKS AND SIGNS,
2 USE OF STENCILS AND AEROSOL, INK,
3 POSTERS AND TICKET TAPING,
4 RAISING AWARENESS IN ANY FORM, AND IN ANY ELEMENT, OR MEDIA.

THESE ARE THE ACTIONS OF RENEGADE, GUERRILLA PROMOTIONS OFFICERS WHO RAISE OUR FLAG.

THX, MGMT

Monday, January 28, 2008

ISSUE ZERO: Gorilla Monsoon; The Anti-Bar.

You know you found a good place to drink, no wait, you know you've found a good spot to spend the rest of your day, when you enter the Gorilla Monsoon, the tiny door to the west of the Horseshoe Tavern on Queen street, in Toronto. I'll tell you why. If you've ever been to a place where you are not the only one looking to get waaay too excited at, like, 2 in the afternoon, and your new-found merry band of pranksters all happen to be on the other side of the bar, then you know what I'm talking about. And, by the way, if the bartender happens to have to get out of his cushy completely horizontal position in front of the big-screen TV in the middle of an episode of the Simpsons, for your thirst of blood-thinner, you know you're askin' for a conversation that you had better have spent most of your life in "smart-ass comment land" in order to defend your acquisition. But by then, you pretty much got what the hell you came to any bar for. You must have at least an "A" game on the back burner ready for that crowd. the Management and like-minded hosts are likely to treat you with the type of respect you'd get when you go to someones frat-house. By that I mean, really nice, pretty inviting and over all just a bunch of fun people. But I'll tell you this, a hippopotamus also looks like something you'd wanna grab by the ears and play with until you become a part of the statistic that informs us all there's more attacks by those fat swamp-caddies then sharks. An example... I was in there for their "open mike" night on a dangerous Monday, where I'd been seen drinking Devils Pale Ale Tallboys just prior, when it had cam to the attention of the staff that a woman of some vulgar demur, violated the bathroom. She left her phone in there too, which came as cause for excitement amongst the loyal locals who, like myself, all had a good idea on how to make it smell funny when she got it back. But because there wasn't enough time to come with a decent plan of revenge, we all just took turns flipping her off from well within ear range.
Let this be a lesson to everyone, everywhere. Beware Viral Vigilantism.
And to the Monsoon, Cheers.