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FOR ALL LAWYERS AND CONCERNED CITIZENS

THE METHODS OF PERSUASION USED BY THE ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE "STREET TEAM" ARE COMMITTED BY A FACTION OF OUR ADMINISTRATION, AND THOUGH WE SUPPORT THEM IN VOICE, THEIR ACTIONS ARE NOT OUR OWN.

OBJECTIVES SUCH AS:
1 STICKER PLACEMENT ON SOUGHT AFTER, GENRE AND STYLE-SPECIFIC PRODUCTS, I.E. CD'S, CLOTHING, BOOKS AND SIGNS,
2 USE OF STENCILS AND AEROSOL, INK,
3 POSTERS AND TICKET TAPING,
4 RAISING AWARENESS IN ANY FORM, AND IN ANY ELEMENT, OR MEDIA.

THESE ARE THE ACTIONS OF RENEGADE, GUERRILLA PROMOTIONS OFFICERS WHO RAISE OUR FLAG.

THX, MGMT

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Friday, May 23, 2008

ISSUE ZERO: LONDON: Feminists Scrutinize Sex and the City

Next week, the highly-anticipated Sex and the City movie opens in theatres, a movie so highly-anticipated that fans are given the option to purchase their tickets now. As opening night approaches, more and more speculation regarding feminism and the content of the renowned show-turned big-screen film is splattered across magazines and newspapers alike.

The question is, can feminists enjoy Sex and the City?

Many feminists disagree, claiming the show imposes limitations on self-development, as it seems to only discuss men, sex, and shoes. In fact, many activist efforts have even had the effect of this extreme backlash on the show, movie, and actresses: the cover of Time Out NY features the four celebrities with duct tape over their mouths and the headline, “No Sex! Enough Already—we love ‘em, but it’s just too much.”

True, there has been much exposure for the film throughout the country, with many women counting down the days until the big opening night. Guess what? IT’S CALLED PRESS.
Enter Ironman. Enter Robert Downey Jr. Enter overexposure. Exit backlash. Never once has there been a picture on a magazine cover with duct tape over Downey Jr.’s face.
How about that stance, feminists?

Moreover, the LA Times features an article claiming that there might not be enough women in North America over 30 to make this film a hit. Really? I’m pretty sure there are tons of women in the country over 30. Women go to the movies, ya know. THEY CAN ALSO DRIVE AND PAY FOR A TICKET.

While the movie may not make as much as an action film, we should examine the numbers of this film beyond the first couple of days to determine if female viewers in the first week constitute a larger number than usual.

True, the show does talk a lot about men, sex, and shoes. But it also reveals the act and significance of sisterhood and friendship as the foursome face loneliness, aging, motherhood, sexual discrimination, work pressures, infertility, and divorce. Do these women betray feminism by spending some time evaluating men, romance, and personal relationships?

These women actively search for truths, conveying an effort towards self-actualization. These are modern, strong, independent women, who value their friendships, relationships, and freedom of choice. And the fact that they do all that in stilettos deserves a standing ovation.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

ISSUE ZERO: GETTING UNDER YOUR SKIN, FOR LIFE; PRESENTING ISSUE ZERO'S FEATURED TATTOOIST.




There I was. Drunk, and more than a little pissed off that some douche-bag was showing off his expensive camera by rudely flashing everyone. I hope his pictures turn out great, cuz one of the last ones he took was of me flicking a freshly dragged cigarette at his face. Unfortunately, it exploded beside his face, and not in his nostril, but burnt his coat, and his ass.

"I'm on fire!" he exclaimed.
"If you were on fire, buddy, you'd be a lot brighter." I punned.

Anyway, as I mused about my lack of decent aim, a woman beside me rested her wicked, black, shit-kickers on the arm rest of the Muskoka chair I was sitting on. The name brand was "DESTROY."

I could relate.

"Nice shot." I think she said, or kinda imagined.
"I was aiming for his face..." I thought was a cool answer. Fuck it, right?

I'm not gonna lie... I don't remember what we were talking about that lead into a conversation about her career as a tattoo artist, but it might've had something to do with scarring people for life. I think. Again, drunk.

As we talked, I decided that this particular lady was A) not to be fucked with B) pretty fuckin hardcore for telling me that a lit cigarette destined for for her friend's face was a "good shot," and C) a chilled-before-serving glass of cool.

It became known that this particular master of disaster was just back from a special part of the world where the natives are not unaccustomed to murder, getting funky, and smoking like a pile of wet leaves. She tells me, over my millionth beer, the trick to getting away without getting killed, is not finishing the tattoo.

Hmmm. Makes sense, I thought. Thats what I'd do.

As it were, is, and might continue to be for the time being, this epidermis vandal is flying right under your radar, using a Supersexy UrsaMega Issue Zero filter-camoflauge, of our own design. After a meeting at an undisclosed location, and getting to know our needle-ninja better, she agreed to allow Issue Zero Magazine, and our dedicated affiliate, the Undergoddamnedground, to represent her work, and filter her clientelle
(provided I allow her to tattoo Chemical Robitiks' face when he passes out drunk sometime in the neer future. It sounded fair to me.)

As the reader can see from above, she got mad skill. Evidence of delicate radial designs, deep solid sleaves, and color theory prove this feline should be sent to Infamy Penatentary, where she will serve out her consecutive life sentences, without bail. These are just a meer glipse of her massacre. I've seen many pictures of her most brutal crime scenes.

"I don't know, how can I be sure shes any good, though...?"
"Is it clean, am I gonna get fucked up...?"
That's her up top, tattooing herself. As far as I'm concerned, it's fucking walking resume. As for cleanliness, I saw her set up, it's legit. It's as sterile as the vacuum of space.

Lets just say for a second that you, are a huge pansy, and, that you think that it's weird that an online magazine (of the illest repute) is filtering a tattooist's jobs. Well, friend-no-more, I think it's time you stopped reading, head straight for the neerest kitchen sink, and quickly drink as much of what you can find underneath it, as fast as you can, whilst fucking yourself. Pleasent chugging, Lily Dipper.

If you have finally desided that you want to get a tattoo, or have fuckloads of 'em already, and wanna add another piece of someones life experience to "The Canvas..."

CONTACT US AT ISSUEZERO@GMAIL.COM FOR QUOTES, CONCEPT DEVELOPMENT, AND SCHEDULES.

ISSUE ZERO IS PLANNING ON GOING UNDER THIS WOMANS KNIFE, IN SOMETHING WE AT THE OFFICE CALL
"OPERATION: PINS AND NEEDLES."

FORM A SINGLE LINE AND HOLD OFF ON THE DRINKING FOR ONE DAY, AND GET INKED BY ONE HARDCORE FATHERFUCKER.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

ISSUE ZERO:Chemicalrobotiks:Chocolate

Everyone has seen the Lg Chocolate phone. They were pushed really hard about a year ago as a stylish and cool multimedia phone. They can shoot nice pictures and videos that can be easily uploaded through blue tooth or by plugging the memory stick into your computer. They are also able to play Mp3s, either uploaded by you or bought on the online music store you access through the browser. All and all it's it seems like the total package but in reality this phone is barely functional.

Being able to hear your ring is easily one of the most important part of any phone. If you cant hear it go off and you never answer it then why have it? well, you wouldn't, and this is the first major flaw of this product, you NEVER hear it go off...EVER. I can't even tell you how many calls I have missed because of this fucking phone. The other major flaw of the phone is once you're on it it's so quiet you can barely hear what the other person is saying. This phone is cold shit, and whats worse is that one day, out of the blue, I pull this steaming pile out of my pocket only to realize the screen is totally smashed in and useless. I didn't drop it before hand, sleep on it, step on it, nothing, and there it was, broken as fuck. Needless to say I was pissed and now I plan to take this phone to the limits, to see how much it really can take.

So far:
*multiple cigarettes have been put out in the phone
*played hack with the phone for about an hour
*set on fire(check youtube for the video)
*ground beer caps into the body and screen

Ps - thanks for the fire crackers Skull Man

Thursday, May 15, 2008

ISSUE ZERO: LONDON: Twitter Me!




Today, online networking promises more opportunity for advertising, marketing, branding, blogging, and staying connected to others than ever before.

With the Facebook craze, news and medium portals provide a "share on Facebook" link under news stories and articles, enabling even more people to receive the same information. In essence, we have become so intertwined that it's almost impossible to escape from each other. In fact, it's pretty safe to claim that unless you're living in complete exile, you cannot escape the force that is online networking.

In a given week, I probably receive about five emails from friends and/or colleagues that invite me to some new online social networking service. I delete all of them. Who really has time to Facebook, blog, Myspace, and Youtube regularly. And now another social networking tool? There's some more proof of how influential these medium portals have become: I used Facebook, blog, Myspace, and Youtube as verbs--and you most likely use them as verbs when you speak. "Oh I'll just Facebook him later and ask."

Anyway, I delete all those invites because sometimes it just gets too overwhelming to deal with yet another networking service. Today I got an invite to use Twitter, another online social place that allows you to create a brief profile, upload a photo, and update those on your list as to what you're doing. As if Facebook, Myspace, Youtube, and regular emails aren't enough to invite others into your life, Twitter also allows you to let people know what you're doing--like all the time.

I looked into it and there's not much you really have to do. Doesn't seem like it would take much time or commitment. I buckled. I signed up today.

Look for LornaLondon.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE: SKULLMAN'S CALL TO BATTLE

A couple of months back, I went to the Phoenix Concert hall to see my favourite band, CLUTCH. In the pit, where I was found on more than one occation sporting the de-fluffed head of a stuffed bear, I bounced off a guy I'd seen at more than one of CLUTCHs shows. (The fact that he's of a fuckin brickshithouse stature didn't convince him to jackhammer me through the floor at the Opera House in '02 when I grabbed him by the head, clearly outta my mind, and pranced about the moshpit screaming at the moon. Obviously, a good guy)
Did I mention the fact ALL the times I seen him at the shows he was wearing a full-head skull mask? No, eh? huh....
But the last show of CLUTCH was special. Turns out he has the right to film the shows. Not only was issue zero there in full force, drunk as fuck and high as hell, We were caught on camera. Why? Cuz I didn't leave the pit for pretty fuckin much the whole show, that's why.
Ask ChemicalRobotiks... I was outta congoddamnedtrol.
So... months later, I find a metal promoter from Inertia Entertainment. He tells me he's responsible for bringing CLUTCH to Toronto about 12 times. I say, "Oh yeah? Did you go to the last one?" Both the head-bouncer at the Phoenix show (standing next to Inertia-man) and Inertia-man nodded.
I then said "Oh yeah? Did you see that guy dive off the stage and land on his ass 10 feet down when everyone moved and then get dragged out kicking and screaming?" while smiling like 'oh, you're fuckin right that was me.'
"you're the guy in the bear mask...?"
I guess in the context that I was in a suit and tie at a swank little photo gallery in Yorkville when I had this conversation with these two gentlemen would put the weirdness at 'high.'
Anyways...
they told me all about SKULLMAN, and his productions, in exchange for the dirty little tricks I used to get backstage at three clutch shows, and how Neil fallon came out to shake my hand at the koolhuas show.
(It wasn't a trade, so much as me proudly bragging.)
The hunt was on. I found what I thought was the email for this crazy motherfucker and asked for the footage.
Not expecting anything, I got word back from
"I have some great footage of that show, I taped it all. your in it.
I have no problem giving you a DVD copy of it on 1 condition.
You fight by my side on my team in my next Box War.
You can make your own costume or one will be provided for you.
I don't ask for much but this is the way it goes for a copy."
Drive a hard bargin? Fuck, he might as well just given it to me.
I dont need encouragement to play with a jerry can of gas, why would I need any here?
Why dont you go to the above sites, and see what the fuck I fully just signed my ass up for. Just look at the pictures.
I'm gonna get fucked up.
ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE IS GOING TO (BOX)WAR, FOR THE RIGHTEOUS "SKULLMAN ROCKERS."
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, CHILDREN OF ALL AGES,
MEMBERS OF THE RESPECTIVE PRESSES,
BRING YOUR OWN GURNEY.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Issue Zero: LONDON: Kano women search for other truths

Words are precious. They build ideas and stories that intensify the imagination and evolve the human being. What would you do if you weren't allowed to read what you wanted? Close your eyes and pretend you live in a place that discourages you from writing and reading content you believe is educating you.
In Kano, Nigeria, headscarved women gather in book stalls and peruse through female-written literature. These books are bound quite cheaply but the content discusses polygamy, love, and desire.
As expected, conservatives in Northern Nigeria assert that these books degrade the Islamic religion and culture. However, female readers claim they're learning how to seduce their husbands--many of them being one of four wives to a Northern Nigerian male.
Maryam Muhammed Haladu, a 20-year old reader of these books states, "we're living in a modern society, but there are still things they don't tell you. Some ladies, when they're married, they don't know what to do. They don't know how to take care of a man, how to seduce him."
Thanks to modern communication technology, women make up about 100 of the Kano chapter of the Nigerian Writers Association.
Sold for about 30 cents a copy, these books explain ways to live in a polygamous household, exercising harmony with the other wives and husband.
But there are other publications that express more romantic ideas such as flirting with men in public.
Sheikh Ibrahim Khalil, the head of Kano's Islamic clerics' association, the Council of Ulama says, "religiously, it's not haram (banned) to write about love in Islam. But the way they write, it's not very mature."
What are you complaining about Khalil? Don't you want all four wives to learn the art of seduction? Or are you so self-conscious that you fear your wife(-ves) will become educated enough to believe in liberation and to set out to find a better sex life?
Kano sisters, read, read, read, and write, write, write to your mind and libido's desire.