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FOR ALL LAWYERS AND CONCERNED CITIZENS

THE METHODS OF PERSUASION USED BY THE ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE "STREET TEAM" ARE COMMITTED BY A FACTION OF OUR ADMINISTRATION, AND THOUGH WE SUPPORT THEM IN VOICE, THEIR ACTIONS ARE NOT OUR OWN.

OBJECTIVES SUCH AS:
1 STICKER PLACEMENT ON SOUGHT AFTER, GENRE AND STYLE-SPECIFIC PRODUCTS, I.E. CD'S, CLOTHING, BOOKS AND SIGNS,
2 USE OF STENCILS AND AEROSOL, INK,
3 POSTERS AND TICKET TAPING,
4 RAISING AWARENESS IN ANY FORM, AND IN ANY ELEMENT, OR MEDIA.

THESE ARE THE ACTIONS OF RENEGADE, GUERRILLA PROMOTIONS OFFICERS WHO RAISE OUR FLAG.

THX, MGMT

Friday, February 29, 2008

ISSUE ZERO: LONDON : TORY PARTY CRACKS DOWN ON CANADIAN ART

You know how most Canadian actors eventually move to the US to nourish their stardom dreams? As difficult as it is, Canadians have found more success in the US than in the north when flourishing their careers in film and television. It all comes down to money. The US simply provides more funding in the entertainment industry than its northern sister.
Canadian talent is known more as edgy, raw, and artistic than Hollywood blockbusters but without proper funding, how will it ever prosper into its full potential?

The Canadian federal government has decided to deny tax credits to film and television productions that are deemed "too edgy," containing graphic sex, violence, and homosexuality.
Thanks to Charles McVety, president of the Canada Family Action Coalition, his part in discusssions with Public Safety Minister, Stockwell Day and Justice Minister, Rob Nicholson in the Prime Minister's Office, contributed to the Conservative changes.

Conservative MP, Dave Batters persuaded the new president of Telefilm Canada, Michel Roy, to prohibit federal funding for edgy films. He used the film Young People Fucking as an example.

Many art groups are speaking out, claiming these changes deviate from the promises of the Charter of Rights and Freedoms. Susan Swan, chair of the Writers' Union of Canada has protested, "we're not going to sit back and accept this. We don't like being told what kind of art we can make by the federal government."

Director David Cronenberg warns that low-budget, edgy Canadian films are at risk. Cronenberg says the changes proposed by the federal government is an "assault" on the Charter of Rights and Freedoms. "The irony is that it is the Canadian films that have given us an international reputation that would be most at risk because they are edgy, low-budget films made by people like me and others that will be targeted by this panel."

Martin Gero, director of Young People Fucking (opening in theatres in Canada this April) could also be scrutinized by the panel. Gero shot his feature film with support from Telefilm.

"It seems ill-conceived from beginning to end, and is less about censorship than destroying the economic foundaton of our entire industry," Gero says. "It's old people fucking with the Canadian film industry."

Conservative MP, Dave Batters obviously presents the opposing view to Telefilm's responsibility and role in support of Canadian film and television. "The purpose of Telefilm is to help facilitate the making of films for mainstream Canadian society--films that Canadians can sit down and watch with their families in living rooms across this great country."

Well, Dave Batters, Charles McVety, and Telefilm Canada, y'all can just go Tele-fuck yourselves. If you're lucky, Gero may direct it. 'Cause, you know, he's "all edgy like that."

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

ISSUE ZERO: How To Cause Pure Hell; The Truth Behind Madness

When I had decided months ago that I was going to see Clutch at the Phoenix, I knew a couple of things right of the bat...
  • I was going to hurt the next day.
  • I was going to do something to validate that righteous pain.
  • Someone was going to film it.
  • The Bear Mask was coming up in the underground.
What I didn't know was that when I came to the edge of the stage during the last song, and climbed to the stage, and jumped off that shit, that everyone was gonna move. That, not only didn't hurt till the next day, but when it did, it fuckin came in waves. There may footage of this insanity, as a gentleman wearing a full head skull mask was filming it. That, and a couple other actions of mindlessness, like when I put on a bear mask that I couldn't see out of, and ran through the most pit, camera in hand, climbed over some guy and while crowd surfing, took a picture of me surfing a sea of drunken animals. I can barely contain my excitement for that one to be developed.
Stay tuned for the pictures, the Recipe for Disaster always needs fire.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

ISSUE ZERO: Diary of the Dead

We went out to check out the flick Diary of the Dead. Check it out
*Thanks to everyone who was featured in the movie*

Sunday, February 24, 2008

ISSUE ZERO: CLUTCH; preshow drinkies

For those that like the blues, and by that i mean the old-school shit, like only four or five notes, and at the same time, appriciate the motor behind drive and power-shift capability, y'all should check out the concert, but you're late.
For the lawyers out there, we here at ISSUE ZERO, here by proclaim that the actions comited tonight were decoded from Diary of the dead...What is real, anyfuckinways?
George a. Romero, Neil falon, cheers.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

ISSUE ZERO: Quadrilogy Challenge




I just watched Aliens Ressurection, Alien 3, Aliens, and Alien. In that order. Ohh you better believe its fucked up. You want anti-climax? Of course you don't, cuz you're probably an android working for the "company," and quite frankly, that fact alone may award you a surprize visit from me.
If you think that digressing in visual media, particularly film, then I dont think there is a better suggestion then taking this hellbound train straight back to when the 20th Century Fox intro was a god damned sickening animation just before the real low-budget that was Alien. ESPECIALLY, ESFUCKINPECIALLY that Sigurney-spread-for-the- space-suit-shot. If you have seen this movie, you know what the hell I'm talking about.
A true test of man hood in this generation should definately include this little 11 hour ritual, cuz I don't give a fuck who you are, or where you're from, when you finally see that fuckin Alien fire out of the airlock at the end of what seems like Space Odessy: 2001 all over again but with bad gimmicks, you feel like you could survive eating a bent razor blade.
ISSUE ZERO HAS REASONS FOR THINGS OUTSIDE OF REASON.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

ISSUE ZERO: QUEEN STREET BURNS.

I might be wrong, I might be right, but what I see on Queen street right now is a god damned insurance fire that was instigated by somebody in order to clear way for new stores in the same vein as the H&M and GAP. It just so happens that when there is fires that intense, you have to gut the whole place, surrounding places and rebuild new. This is just after the cities battle with big-box stores trying to rebuild the Queen west section.
I cant wait for the looting that is definitely going to happen on that strip.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

ISSUE ZERO: Sound Investment Productions

The sickness you feel when too much bass invades your guts is the nausea that Mr. Scandrett is looking for. A known party promoter, lyricist and sound production engineer, Rob has created sound hooks for the likes of Timbaland, all the way down to some seriously hardcore motherfuckers off the streets of this fine metropolis. I should know, I saw his studio, with a sound board the size of an Italian dinner table, surrounded by cats dropping the madness in word form, chicks with sick soul, and the absolute bottom line in wicked hip-hop tracks. for promotional packages and networking, contact information above.
SIP - Rollin Right wav 96bp - RJ Scandrett 'Scoundrel'.mp3

Monday, February 18, 2008

ISSUE ZERO: CITY 7: TORONTO CONFLICT/ HALF-LIFE MOD

INTRODUCING THE TORONTO-BASED,
FIRST-PERSON SHOOTER.
CITY 7:TORONTO CONFLICT
HERE'S SOMETHING FOR YOU CAVE-DWEELING GAMERS IN THE GTA.
If you ever wanted to let off an assault rifle in the middle of the afternoon at Shutter and Victoria, but never had the cutlery (AKA: balls) then this game is for you. If you ever had the urge to indulge in a violent futuristic fantasy without the aid of phychotropic assistance, or the future, or physical violence, (pansy) you are about to find the thing that might keep you out of the Rubber-room Hotel your guidance counciler always told the Principal you were destined for but to avoid being on the death list you know you had, they never told your parents.

"Right from the digital labratories of the St. James Campus of George Brown Collage, Toronto's own. Why? Because Toronto Owns, Bitch."

-JOKER/ RX

"I remember swillin a warm malt liquor forty like 7 fuckin years ago and thinking, 'I'd love to run down queen street with a loaded assault rifle, and thats never gonna happen, so... gulpgulpgulp, they should make a game in Toronto where I can live out my homicidal urges and save a fuckin life or two and give some gamer nerd a buck or fifty.' Congradufuckinlations Sean Guadron...you're saving lives."

-DEADMAN/ QBX

Friday, February 15, 2008

ISSUE ZERO: OCAD VS GEORGE BROWN; Drink Til You Die

Alcohol may be the cause of many problems in a person's life. But, when it comes to which institution can hold its own with a straight glance and a steel liver, there is no better platform.
What I'm proposing is a total take-over of a downtown bar, for the purposes of competition. The noblest of ceremonies, the End of Semester Drink-Off.
If you have a better way of uniting students in this city, I'd like to hear it.

We here at ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE love feedback.
BOTH KINDS.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

ISSUE ZERO: Chemical Robotiks: Max Power

Here is a short drunken freestyle from up and and coming underground hip hop artist Max Power aka. Lunatik. Hes been rapping for a few years now and has been featured on a number of singles. He is currently working on a solo album (look for it this summer) which looks like some real grime time hip hop, something that doesn't often come out of Toronto. I did a few beats off the album and the whole project looks like it has a lot of promise. Enjoy


You saw it here first bitches

Monday, February 11, 2008

ISSUE ZERO: A HELLAHOT DAY IN HEAVEN.

In 20 degrees below zero temperature in our good city, all I can think about is how the hell there can be a hell anywhere near Canada, or Russia, for that matter. This stunning revelation leads me to believe that this fact is somehow in connection with the fact that we live in the best country in the world, and why Russia hasn't split open a hellmouth and sucked in all the sinners that I'm almost positive they must have from all the triple-distiled Vodka. This means God must bless our frozen liquor-drinkin digits, or simply admits it's too god damned cold to do anything about it.
Let me just say, to every Russian, and every Canadian that makes it past the pearly gates, and you make it to the thermostat, we're all behind you when you reef that motherfucker up.
ISSUE ZERO FEROCIOUSLY PROMOTES AND STRONGLY ADVOCATES SHINANIGHANS IN THE AFTER-LIFE

Saturday, February 9, 2008

ISSUE ZERO: Sometimes you just gotta look inside yourself to see what you're made of...


If you ever had to make a difficult choice, like the one between friends and family, like the one between to live and to love, like the one between mercy and curtains, like the one between life and liberty, like the one between standing down and holding ground, like the one between God and country, like the one between goods times and the bottom line, like the one between business and blood: listen here...
THE ONES THAT SWIM AGAINST THE CURRENT, KNOW THE STRENGTH OF IT.

ISSUE ZERO: Chemical Robotiks: TORONTO'S VENUE REVIEW

If you live in Toronto and your looking for a chilled out spot to listen to some good music in a decent environment, some dancing, and no one raining on your sunshine, I suggest these:

#1: Comfort Zone - Total drug nest. great music (some serious house every now and then). pretty good environment. Laid back bouncers (your drugs will get in with little to no effort). Cool crowd. And, you go there enough and people remember you

#2: Blak - Drugs are discouraged but they do a fucking 12 hour party from Saturday to Sunday. they do a different style of electronic music every night of the week so you can go on the night of music you like. You get patted down at the door but its all for show, there not really looking for shit. They will kick you out if you look too high but you can always come back tomorrow. only down side is sometimes you have to line up in a gnarly ally. cover: none before 11 most night. 20$ after I think. Don't pay that shit. Just bitch at the ticket guy. You can usually talk him down

#3: Sound Academy(docks) - future sound does there shit here and a lot of people hate on these mother fuckers because hey say their not rave enough. Bullshit fagots. They might not be as hardcore a drug nest as the other two above it but Jesus mother fucking Christ. They get the best acts. a lot of international djs come through this spot. The parties are all 6+ hours and no one really cracks on you for being way too fucked up on drugs. Another bonus for all the kiddies is that there parties are all ages (usually, with a 19+ area for drinking but you can have your beer can with you wile you dance on the floor). This is the biggest venue out of these three so far as the other two resemble a large basement someone is trying to pass as a club. Cover: most things they throw you have to buy a ticket at Numb or Play de Record in advance. They go from 20$ in advance to as much as 35-40$ at the door

#4: Fun Haus - Honestly, this place doesn't really have the rave thing going on but they do do some pretty fun dress up nights. I went there for retro zombie night and had a fucking blast. Nothing but 80's music and cracked out kids dressed as zombies. This spot is pretty chilled. You can come there when ever. Sit around. Listen to loud music and drink cheap as fuck beer. I don't know what you call relaxing but thats how I chill the fuck out.

#5: Tonic - Pretty standard ass hyped way too much club. I think its 19+ but the kiddies flock to this mother fucker like it saves lives. The only positive is that on Tuesdays I believe they do crazy cheap drinks. Like 2 dollar beers. Other then that, fuck this spot

#6: Distrik (I think thats how their spelling it) - Gay as shit. Most nights, if not all of them are all ages which makes for a pretty bad environment. Drinks are the usual prices. Lines are long, because the kiddies come out in flocks. and holy fuck. I'm not really down with Ginos, and this place is full of them. I added this spot because TO EACH THEIR OWN. just because I don't like it doesn't mean you wont too and the club actually looks alright inside cover: depends on the time or if there throwing a party.

#7: Lime Light - Another gay as fuck all ages club. Avoid like the plague. There is no saving grace to the club. Wait, I take it back. This club has a really nice lounge area where you can drink and sit on some comfy couches. As you can tell I hate this place but inside looks cool and if your not into more of the rave thing then in a drug den you might like this place better. Cover: depends on what time you come of if there trying to throw a party

#8: Savage Garden - I wouldn't really call it much of a club. still a pretty cool spot to chill and drink a few from time to time. they get some pretty ok acts to play as well. I find it kinda hit and miss

#9: Bovine Sex Club - Again, I wouldn't really consider this place as a club. its more of a bar but its still pretty fun at the end of the night and since a few of the clubs listed earlier are near it, its a good spot to play a game of pool or something after you get out(if its early enough)

#10: M - Honestly, I don't expect many people reading this to know this spot. It's an after hours club(is that what there calling it). It's like a bar where you can get a drink long after its legal to serve alcohol. It will cost you, but the price is still better then most down town clubs. cover: I've seen guys pay 5 dollars but I've never seen a chick pay.

#11: Reverb/Holy Joes/Big Bop - Their all in the same fucking building. The place looks a little worn down. If you come there out of the blue you might catch something cool. I have gone there a few times just to have a few drinks and chill out for a bit and heard some pretty cool music

#12: Government - Probably Toronto's best known club. It's big. It's right by the water. They get a lot of acts. Most of the time the parties they throw are just a bunch of hype. Fliers everywhere gets people talking and building it up. When you go, a lot of time, you feel ripped off. The ticket prices to their parties are high which makes the burn that much worse. Cover: depends on the party. the door price is steep and the line is long.

#13: Cherry Beach Parties - Figure it out dumb ass. It's an outdoor party at cherry beach. It isn't legal. The cops do come. Get ready to run. The bus getting out there is fucked and takes forever but the vibe can be ok. A few people got stabbed out there last year (or maybe it was two) and they keep saying things are different but it still is a little sketch. Whatever, its cool and illegal.

#14: Trance in your Pants - Cool trance party I went to out in Mississauga. I cant remember the club but the party was pretty good. I think there held pretty annually. That's about all I can remember. Fun, but I think its was expensive. (Don't quote me, some one dragged me there)

#15: Purple Heaven - Another annual party.(I think) I can't remember much about this one at all except that it was fun. Check it out if it's still going.

#16: Circa - Pretty ok. Plays pretty good music. Pretty very good actually, with a great vibe. Check it out. A lot of people really dig this place. I though it was alright but a lot of others love the fuck out of it. Large spot, lots to see. Kind of like a whole lot of a whole lot. Check it out. I can't really explain it. Think rooms and displays and crazy bullshit. There is a big dance floor in this mother and a stage type deal. High hopes mother lovers, high hopes. I think they also do art exhibits and a bunch of other bullshit during the week but they're a club on the weekend.

#17: Body English - I actually haven't been to this spot yet (but im sure I will go in time) but everyone says it is the shit. I don't know. Doesn't sound like the kind of scene I dig but maybe you do. Check it out. Everyone I have talked to said it was dope and all the chicks I have talked to about it said it was the shit. Like best club ever type bullshit from the female side. Meh, if I check it ill keep y'all posted.

#18: Young Arcade - It's not a club but it stays open all night, its fun as hell, and it's flooded with drugs. They keep their machines pretty well updated and and it's rare one of them will be out of order. The owners are assholes but fuck them anyways. Another really cool part about this place is that they have a large pinball section if your into that and the whole back area is like the history of arcade gaming. Pac man, Arkanoid, original mario, Centipede, there all there to give you a proper blast of retro flavor and its actually kind of fun to play them because it's not often you see these machines.

I like going out, and I like to go to a lot of different places. If you haven't noticed, I didn't add the location. If you wanna go I'm sure you can find it, and, thats half the fun of a spot, finding it.

Friday, February 8, 2008

ISSUE ZERO: MINDSIGHT destroys compititon @ NEU+RAL, in Kensington Market.


I go to OCAD. Don't hold against me. Most people say to me, "you don't look like you go to OCAD..." and that's the way it's gonna stay. I met a guy at the U of T Co-op on Spadina and his buddies, and found out the day my good screamers in the band MINDSIGHT were playing, (closing the show with a bullet) so were they. Two good buddies playing the same club a the same date, it felt pretty good.

Now, the fact that I brought a fifth of Smirnof Vodka to the show, and tainted every beer that I drank, didn't in any way make me rock out harder, cuz that would be imfuckinpossible.

These guys are like all the members Mudvayne and System of a Down, impaled with 500 drum sticks rolling down an escalator while it's going up, all at once.


What?

Don't believe me?

Why don't you get off your fuckin purse for the bank-breaking $6, get yourself a clean pair of panties, and check out their show at the Silver Dollar on February 28.


Years ago, I gave my buddy Lenny Farmer a bass riff, that he later developed into a song called "March for a Mad Man." I not only happen to be that Mad Man, but I'm also a madman. Listening to that tune was so goddamned killer, I had to take his brother in a head lock, march him around, until I, possibly by accident, introduced his face to someguys shoulder. Sorry about that, Pills.

Right, the point here is this: they're playing the Horseshoe Tavern on Queen Street on Valentine's Day, and the Silver Dollar on the 28th, and if you ever, even once, said you support Canadian artists and musicians, and you don't show up to these shows, then, like Snoop said, "You're more of a bitch that a bitch."


Fuck that, you don't even have to say anything, if you don't go, you're a bitch, and instead of getting stomped at a wicked metal show, you should hide, and try to be very quiet while you knit your poodles another pair of booties, pansy.


MINDSIGHT, I'm fuckin proud to know you all.

Unfortunately for some fuckin lily-dippers out there,
maybe too much so.

ISSUE ZERO: Chemical Robotiks: Mark of the Beast (LGF)

Untraceable: movie review

Untraceable is basically a bullshit movie. enough said. The story takes place present day where a website goes up that offers live streaming video of human execution to the whole world. The kink to this movie is that the victim is hooked to a machine that slowly administers poison. what determines the rate that the poisons is given is the amount of viewers watching the death. so, as more viewers come to watch the killing the quicker the person is killed. simple enough right. sure. why not. thats probable the most interesting thing about this movie. they should have just left it right there, a psychopathic fucker who kills people in a creative way. I have never seen people killed like that in a movie before so there is a chance I might have liked it. or at least applauded the creativity of the story. But no, they fucked all that shit to hell. The start introducing a weak back story to the killer that they figure out and solve in about 10 seconds. Its like "o shit, theres a reason why he..." and then the actor is immediately cut off by the answer: the killer is a kid who's daddy committed suicide and the cable networks aired it and now he's taking his revenge. boo fucking whooo little boy. Fuck it never ends with this movie, just one fuck up after another. Half the fun of a flick like this is trying to figure out who the killer is and they blew all that to hell too by showing the killer and his face not even half way though. Couldn't they have just saved it till the end like every other horror or thriller film. no! fuck no! why do that when we can blow it again.

Story aside, the movie looks budget as fuck. There are only a few locations where the movie takes place and they could honestly all be in the same house. Variety of sets, fuck no, that coasts money. money we obviously don't have. The acting is no more then what you would expect from such a shit movie, and, to top it all off, they included Tom Hanks' talentless son, Colin. Fucking hell, this movie has nothing going for it and i honestly think people should avoid it. you way get a bit of enjoyment out of seeing Colin Hanks die but thats about it.

now you may be wondering why this post is called mark of the beast, since it has nothing to do with the movie and was never mentioned in the review. well, here it comes assholes. The number one tip-off to any viewer that this film was going to be nothing more than a steaming pile...
That's right. It's a Lions Gate Film. Everything put out by these fuckers is the most absolute bottom of the barrel bullshit running. Their logo at the beginning of any film is like the mark of the beast, dubbing it immediately as pure evil from the bottom pits of hell. If you see this as your movie is beginning you should leave right then and there and ask for your money back. If anyone reading this owns any movies by them or if you ever rent a movie and you're like "Fuck! that movie was so bad. i mean, Jesus, that was SO FUCKING BAD!" and you flip the tape over and see LFG(which you will) take out your hammer and smash it to hell. you will feel better. Lions Gate films are so bad they should have a warning on them because everyone should have at least a fair chance to get away before subjecting themselves to anything put out by them. I know everyone is different and your probably thinking "why does this guy hate Lions gate so bad." Heres why fucker: They never make a good movie. ever. plain and simple. most companies strike out, fuck, they all do now and then but they all also come back and release something good as well. I honestly challenge anyone to come up with (and post in the comment section of this entry) a decent film from LGF. It can't be done, and this movie is no exception. Just another crap movie from LGF

I give this movie 2 stars out of a countless galaxy.


ps - if your watching a movie in theaters and Lions Gate's logo comes up during the previews be
sure to boo it

Thursday, February 7, 2008

ISSUE ZERO: AUDIO BRANDING TRAUMA

Am I louder than everyone else, or can I just hear myself better that other people and other audible vibration? I'll tell you, I'll tell you all, from very far away.
If your anything at all, even a remote, tiny crumb of resemblance of me, you've found yourself in front of a gigodamnedgantic stack of speakers at a concert, and recognize you are probably, maybe in the eyes of God itself, much inferior to its vision and balance destroying output.
Then there's those times when the song's over, and every one cheers.
And when that finally subsides, you can still hear me.
Sometimes, and by that, I mean almost always, you can hear me while the song is still playing.
Does this add to the whole experience? You're fuckin right it does. Unlike some people that get lost in the sound of cellphone vibrating, I, like the rest of the life-hungry members of this hellbent consortum, can project.
My voice is just like my craft. Loud.
If you got something to say, stand the fuck up and speak your piece.
Don't, and be the gap in poorly kerned text in a text nobody's gonna fuckin read anyways.
PROJECT YOUR OPINIONS.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Issue Zero: An old medium, a new message

Day after day.... Year after year... marketers and corporate artists find the newest fad in pushing their products upon us. With a clever blend of color and a dash of risque, they get our interest in a product or a service that we did just fine without a day ago: They seek to turn it from convienence to nessecity to get us hooked. Fast food, soft drinks, fashion.... the list goes on.

Here at Issue Zero, we push the limits of risque - from 'tongue in cheek' to just downright offensive. The Art that passes through here - it's purpose is not to draw you in, not to incite a feeling: its purpose is to just exist - solely an expression of its creator. If you dig it, jump in; if not, then just move on.

What becomes of this digital real estate - A silent expression of self or an internet phenom: The possibilities are endless.


Stay tuned.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

ISSUE ZERO: MAD LOVE

I love you,
and I'm not sayin that to be cute or poetic or romantic, baby...I'm fuckin serious...
Yeah, thats right, I ain't gotta sugar it up, cuz buttercup, you got enough to have a glorified barber rip every one one of the teeth outta my head, baby, you heard what I said...
I'm fuckin serious...yeah, thats right, like fuckin cancer.
People are gonna say congradulations, and the others are gonna sound like flatulations, but there aint no debating, that my love for you is deeper then the Superior basin, and the intellect of asians,
thats right, I'm serious...
I love you.

ISSUE ZERO: LONDON: Linked for Life

Eli Manning's Super Bowl win shocked many as his athletic career consisted of living in the shadows of his older brother. Runts of families everywhere must have rejoiced. Sometimes, we witness the babies of the family undergo drastic measures to at least get on the same stage as their older siblings.

Whether it's Ashlee Simpson's rhinoplasty (someone should really rename that medical term) or Jamie Lynn Spears' teenage pregnancy (seriously, good luck sharing Brit Brit's craze), younger siblings have traditionally strived to shine with their own talents--or, talents their older siblings have highlighted first.

You hear it all the time. "Mom, how come Jessica gets to take her clothes off on MTV first?"

Many studies, including a Norwegian one of human families determined that the birth order tends to correlate with IQ levels, with the oldest siblings scoring the highest.

This is probably the best time to write that I am the oldest of three girls--not my intention to boast about my IQ, but simply to say that the oldest siblings don't necessarily get all the perks. It ain't all roses in the elder garden. Because in our family, the youngest receive things first, parents mess them up the least, and the oldest learns things the hard way, only to soften the path for the young ones.

In some families, siblings are constantly compared to one another, resulting in negative energy and unhealthy competition (the kind where you actually wish ill things upon the other). My family accepts us all for what we are, in our birth order: a slightly bi-polar and vastly dramatic writer, an extremely mellow mother of two, and a classic case of the melancholy teen.

Granted, we all differ and we all have our talents. Some live in families that cater more towards the oldest siblings, while others live in families that favour the younger ones. And if you're really lucky--like I am--you'll be part of a family that is consciously aware of your flaws, and remains pretty unsure as to whose faults are more detrimental.

~London

Saturday, February 2, 2008

ISSUE ZERO: Nine Times Outta Ten.

If you put a stripper pole in a club, you can bet that with in the first swarm of women to see it, will play on that thing. In fact, if you put a stripper pole in church, you can pretty much bet that thing is gonna see some kind of use. If they put a stripper pole on the moon, right where they used to have the American flag, NASA would be a booming industry. If there was a stripper pole beside every smouldering chemical exhaust chimney, you could bet the god damned farm and all the livestock that the global warming issue would at least take a small turn for the better.

Friday, February 1, 2008

ISSUE ZERO: Cantina Charlie, Strap your diaper tight, cuz I'm the shit you can't handle.

Within the first couple weeks at OCAD, some dangerously adventuous-type deposited a bunch of flyers to a bar called Cantina Charlie's. At first, I was on the warpath. Who in their right mind puts something like that in my locker? They clearly had no idea what they were doing, because the desired effect is going to be missed. My lovely Fiance and I are going there tonight. Few will be remembered, many will remember it.
Cantina Charlie's, your ass is ours.
not your pimp's.