A STRONGHOLD OF PROFESSIONAL ARTISTS, MUSICIANS, WRITERS, AND CERTIFIABLE A-1 LUNATIC GUERRILLA PROMOTERS OF OUR GREAT FROZEN TUNDRA. WE GOT WHAT YOU'RE LOOKIN FOR....

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FOR ALL LAWYERS AND CONCERNED CITIZENS

THE METHODS OF PERSUASION USED BY THE ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE "STREET TEAM" ARE COMMITTED BY A FACTION OF OUR ADMINISTRATION, AND THOUGH WE SUPPORT THEM IN VOICE, THEIR ACTIONS ARE NOT OUR OWN.

OBJECTIVES SUCH AS:
1 STICKER PLACEMENT ON SOUGHT AFTER, GENRE AND STYLE-SPECIFIC PRODUCTS, I.E. CD'S, CLOTHING, BOOKS AND SIGNS,
2 USE OF STENCILS AND AEROSOL, INK,
3 POSTERS AND TICKET TAPING,
4 RAISING AWARENESS IN ANY FORM, AND IN ANY ELEMENT, OR MEDIA.

THESE ARE THE ACTIONS OF RENEGADE, GUERRILLA PROMOTIONS OFFICERS WHO RAISE OUR FLAG.

THX, MGMT

Friday, March 7, 2008

ISSUE ZERO: the Complete Guide to the Teddy Bears Picnic. Vol#0, Iss.#0 "The Potato Cannon."

DISCLAIMER:
You want someone to blame? Go ax your parents why God does what He does...

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, CHILDREN OF ALL AGES, MEMBERS OF THE RESPECTIVE PRESSES...THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU PUT A BEER-SOAKED STUFFED ANIMAL BACK IN THE TOY BOX.

Nothing says lovin' like fresh from the oven, and nothing says "Run!" like pullin out a Potato gun. Don't belive me? Why don't you ask the resident cottagers of the Moon River, in beautiful Bala, Ontario? Between the months of April and November I used to light those things off like you tie your shoes, which is to say, with a slightly confused staggar, in a blind rage from a misunderstanding.

When you push the button, the noise that comes out of the business end is more then enough of a surprize to get your target to actually face you, as unfortunate for them as that would be. A properly built cannon should be able to propel a fist-sized chunk of potato about 200 hundred meters, land in someones face and turn them into a dentists bread and butter and gravy for a fuckin decade. This model is twice the size of the one it's modeled after, so to give an example, I pushed a buddy off a dock with an onion one time. Get your OHIP cards, and your affairs on this mortal coil all sorted out, and lets take a drunken trip to the hardware section.



MATERIALS.


  • 24", 4" ABS pipe.


  • 36", 2" ABS pipe.


  • 4" to 2" ABS adaptor.


  • 4" cap, with screw lid.


  • ABS Adheisive


  • A REAL BBQ IGNIGHTER, no fuckin around here.


  • A drill, with 1/4" bit.


  • A can of Extra-Hold hairspray.


  • A 5 lbs bag of Yukon Gold Potatoes.


  • 24 bottles of Budweiser.


  • A fully audible maniacle laughter to let things (people) know you're coming. (optional.) (the warning part.)

Glue the screw-cap on one end of the 4" ABS pipe, and the 4" to 2" adaptor on the other, using ABS adheisive. Then take the drill and make two holes for the BBQ ingnighter wires. They should be close to the bottom, where the cap is. Put a wire through each hole, and make sure the frayed ends create a visible spark inside the pipe when you push the red button. Now take the barrel, and scrape both the rims like you're trying to sharpen a pencil. Now, when you push your potato on, it will make a perfect seal, so you don't loose compresion. The idea is that you push a potato into one end of the barrel, spray hairspray into the 4" chamber, and put the potato-end into the adaptor, and make it friction-fit and snug.

Aim, and push the button. Goodbye potato. Goodbye Impactee, too.

Once you put one of these fuckers in your hands, you feel like a kid in a candy store with a loaded hand gun. The first time I saw one, I had to have it. To me, not having one was like having a raging bonfire, and no poker. Then, later, having one was like growing a third fuckin arm.
SuperHuman.

Trains, cars, phone booths, bikes, buddies, buildings, windows, boats, buddies on boats, people I don't know in wakeboard boats with stupid-lookin "what the fuck is he doin?" faces (they were comin right at me!) Seadoo-ers, phlorescent lights, the TD bank, the Beer Store, public schools, restaurants, weird sounds coming from the bushes, bats (good luck with that one, Fuckos, you need to see what isn't there for that trick,) hydro transformers (take that, Ontario Hydro,) Transformers (take THAT, Optimus Prime..,) Sam fuckin Roberts (don't act like you don't remember, Sammy-boy, we were both there..,) the 606 North, Durnford's Mom's Intrepid (not fuckin bad for 100 meters) the Watha Mohawk Territory sign on Road 38 off hyway 400 (Relax, I'm what they call a "WhiteHawk" in that Rez,) churches, community centres, bridges, off of bridges, Billy's trailer, outside furniture and other trailer, Queen Street (I was the potato gunman on the thrid floor at 800 Adlelaide St. W) 800 Adelaide St. W, Kyle Vickers' left upper rib cage and the list just goes on and on.
You wanna walk a mile in a stuffy bear mask? What the fuck are you waiting on...?

There's your check list.

2 comments:

Tina said...

the best birthday present i've ever gotten was a homemade potato gun. like a fuckin bazuka.

ABS Pipe said...

Very well said. These tips are really amazing. I appreciate it for sharing them.