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OBJECTIVES SUCH AS:
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THESE ARE THE ACTIONS OF RENEGADE, GUERRILLA PROMOTIONS OFFICERS WHO RAISE OUR FLAG.

THX, MGMT

Monday, July 21, 2008

ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE reviews JACK BROOKS; MONSTER SLAYER

This might come as a surprise to some, but I can refrain from using violence to solve problems. For others, like jack Brooks, it's the solution to everything from tripping over or trying to open a bottle. Imagine, like I can, instead of casually having a disagreement with someone, punching that someone in the throat.

Jack Brooks: Monster slayer is the fuckin funnest shit I've seen since the look on that persons face when I whizzed by them too close on a near-broken bike with a head full of poison and holding a Heineken bottle full of wine at midnight. I know what your thinking...
"How could it be funnier than that?!"
Lets put it this way, the first ten minutes at the screening I thought there's no way this could actually be this funny, and with my history, it could easily have been a mirage, but no, it was I-think-a-piece-of-my-abdomen-split-free-and-dropped-into-my-nutsack-funny.
Having a rage issue was never this funny.

Well, maybe.

(I promised my girl I would omit a less-than-savoury comment prepared for someone I suspect would've read this soon, who probably woulda been to highnmighty to realize it was about them, so I'm saving it to tell them later.)


Anyways. The Canadian film industry is pretty much invisible, and I'll give you a hearty applause if you can name the last Canuck flick you went to see in an actual theater, in Canada.
Yeah, see? Just like our music industry, the film community is floated by numbers. In the first weekend of a movies release, the revenue goes to the head and the Suits behind the curtain let it stay longer in the theaters under the pretence that the film will produce even more revenue, not that it will, or because they want to raise their own up, but because they suck.

Opening this friday, the 25th, in Toronto and the other five cities in this country, (jusfukinroundwichya) Jack Brooks:Monster Slayer is with a little help, cuz it don't need it, going to become a leatherbound volume in the annals of Candaian cinema.

I'm not telling you anything about this movie. You have the internet if you're reading this, so go searching, but just like any good trailer, it will only ruin it for you. So take it from a guy that spent the afternoon getting high and drunk on my day off, that went to see it without actually being able to recall the name, and almost herniated a disc cackleing.
I already saw this movie, for free. But on friday, I'm buying my ticket, sneekin in my cheep, domestic beer, and watching that shit again, cuz holyfuck foran ottawa flickits funniaz fuck.

ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE STRONGLY ADVIZES YOU GO SEE THIS MOVIE, THIS OPENING WEEKEND, SO OUR FILMS WON'T PUT OUT BY SOME OTHER BULLSHIT THAT WASN'T MADE IN THIS FUCKIN WICKED COUNTRY.

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