ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE: ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE: SKULL MAN'S BOX WARS / TORONTO ZOMBIE WALK 2008

Today, I woke up and almost immediately started drinking.
Fucked up, right?
Wrong.
I was going to need that Canadian Club to stay good and loose for running around in a cardboard bulldozer armour and getting tossed around like a ginger baby

in an ethnic cleansing.
It was Box War time, again.

Over the last week, the Chemical Robotiks and I hustled ass and built a bunch of cardboard gear. We drank and got high, and worked through the night on two occasions. We made some connections and Bill Orchard and John Purkis came down with some other people and put those motherfuckers in them.

Chemical and I stayed up Saturday night and finished the gear and watched Stephen King's Children of the Corn, which busted us up, cuz that shit ain't scary. So we drank and made child porn and abusive family jokes and laughed hard as fuck. At about 2AM we passed out.

I got up at 10 30, and went right for the sauce, if that bottle was right beside the bed, I woulda drank it right there. It was going to be a big day.

It was a seriously nice day out. Not a cloud in the sky. It was wicked.

Eagerly waiting on Boom Truck Chuck to show up, we drank Scottish coffees. When he showed, we drank more, smoked a fat cone of "roofer" weed, loaded up the Chuck-mobile, and headed down to the park. We got to Gore Vale Ave, and met up with an armada of crazies. Old drinking buddies Steve Cairns, Karl Flagger, and Chris Campbell, as well organizer Greg Sommers, film maker Justin McConnell, and more. We unloaded the weapons and suits and I found Karl's Tim Hortons coffee which I poisoned heavily with Canadian Club Rye Whiskey the second Chuck and I got the truck parked.
We were really early, which was good, cuz I was one drunk idiot having too good of a time with my buds.
Psycho Ward Clothing Company's head nutcase, Bill Orchard, came out from under the Orillia rock and came with my good friend and previous employer Mr. Purkie and we drank Canadian Club and shot the shit. Broad daylight is the perfect time to do it.

More People started showing up. Dead people. Lots of them. And they were wondering what the fuck was going on, and we weren't talking. Properly.

My lovely, sweet, wonderful girlfriend showed up and my day got even better. I fuckin love that girl like fire goes up. (Yeah, baby, you know you're the cats ass, right?)

Skull man made the call and we all suited up. We went through a little introduction to the game from the Skullstar and were made very clear about the rules and regulations. We went down the hill and joined the masses, where we split into teams, and started callin each other out.

(SKULL MAN AND URSA MEGA IN THE WAR ROOM)

FREE THE BOX WARS FROM RED TAPE!!!

We made a couple of strange shifts in the ranks and in no time we were looking across at each other, and getting a little fuckin excited. Well, I was for sure. This much was clear. I was bouncing around and screaming a lot.

I gotta do something about that god damned bear mask. It smells like fuckin hell, it's dirty as hell, and those fine attributes will stay that way but the interior could be a little nicer.
Like hell.

Then, we got that party boat to plane out.
There had to be twenty of us in total, and we let that shit was off the fuckin leash.

"In the name and preservation of metal music.... GET 'EM!!!"

God damn it, that shit is fun.

The crowd was getting right into it, at one point they started up with the chanting.
"TEDDY! TEDDY! TEDDY! TEDDY!"

Somebody told me that the cops even said their favorite fighter was Teddy.
Ironic to say the least.

After the longest five minutes, The skull man rockers came out on top. The battle was epic. There were pieces of cardboard all over the field, the people screaming for more.

I had a kick-ass time. I tore a lot of people to little biddy bits. After the fight, I was winded. we did interviews with the legendary Toronto crew the Stoned Monks, and other teams. I was approached by a mother who wanted me to sign autographs for the four kids and take pictures with them. that gave me a really nice feeling.
I can't wait to be a dad.

With the meet and greet over with, then I threw on my new Psycho Ward Clothing Co. T-shirt, and got right back into the foul-mouthed acts of insanity and drunken absurdity that we here at ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE so love dearly.

Yay Fatherhood, here I come.

There was now the Toronto Zombie Walk to get into. This years turn out was awesome. There were every type of zombie one could fantasize about. The one problem with the whole damn thing was when I tried to get into the beer store at Queen and Bathurst, and the shit was closed. After I wiped the tears away, I rejoined the Walk, accepting the handfuls of fake (?) blood from fellow zombies and bitch-slapping Chemical Robotiks and landing a nice one on Skull Man's noggin.

We got the hell out of that mess and headed over to Rancho Relaxo where we enjoyed light fare and drank. After that, Chuck, Skull Man, and myself went to the parking lot outside the Danzig concert at the Sound Academy and drank and listened to heavy metal and continued to get pissed and get fired up over the fights highlights.

Chuck and I eventually had to go. Danzig ain't exactly my style, plus I was too hammered to not do something really stupid like break back stage and who the fuck knows what stupid shit I woulda done then.

Not God, though.

Next best thing?
Getting back to where you know you can only get so bad an injury from falling down, and smoking some more "roofer" weed. And seeing as I'd been out of B.C. for a week, that shit put me to bed like a hammer through a window.

Good times.

Zombies, see your asses next year.
ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE WOULD LIKE TO TRHOW A HAMMER THROUGH A WINDOW RIGHT NOW, BUT INSTEAD, WE'RE GIVING A BIG FAT WHOOP DEE BOOYA TO SKULL MAN, THE ORGANIZERS OF THE TORONTO ZOMBIE WALK, AND A MOTHERFUCKIN EAR BUSTIN HELL YEAH TO BILL ORCHARD AND JOHN PURKIS AT PSYCHO WARD CLOTHING COMPANY,
PSYCHOWARDCO@GMAIL.COM
THE OFFICIAL GEAR OF ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE