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FOR ALL LAWYERS AND CONCERNED CITIZENS

THE METHODS OF PERSUASION USED BY THE ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE "STREET TEAM" ARE COMMITTED BY A FACTION OF OUR ADMINISTRATION, AND THOUGH WE SUPPORT THEM IN VOICE, THEIR ACTIONS ARE NOT OUR OWN.

OBJECTIVES SUCH AS:
1 STICKER PLACEMENT ON SOUGHT AFTER, GENRE AND STYLE-SPECIFIC PRODUCTS, I.E. CD'S, CLOTHING, BOOKS AND SIGNS,
2 USE OF STENCILS AND AEROSOL, INK,
3 POSTERS AND TICKET TAPING,
4 RAISING AWARENESS IN ANY FORM, AND IN ANY ELEMENT, OR MEDIA.

THESE ARE THE ACTIONS OF RENEGADE, GUERRILLA PROMOTIONS OFFICERS WHO RAISE OUR FLAG.

THX, MGMT

Friday, December 17, 2010

ISSUE ZERO: ChemicalRobotiks: It's not a party till the cops smack the birthday girl

I don't know if words can really explain the madness that took place that night and to fully understand you would probably have to be there but I going to do my best to illustrate what happened that night. Here goes. It was a dark and stormy night, not really, it was a pretty nice and sunny day in the summer, friday to be exact and I sadly had no plans for the evening. having not heard back from anyone I went with a long shot last resort and decided to take a chance on the birthday party of a girl named Penny.

Before I go any further I would like to illustrate what kind of person Penny is. Ive known Penny for about 5 years at this point and she has always been right out of her mind. Every boyfriend she has ever had has had to deal with a non stop barrage of small dick comments, insane jealousy to the point where she has fought a stranger for "looking" at her boyfriend, as well as robbing their houses after they had broken up. Penny also doesn't handle alcohol anywhere close to the next man. Anytime I have drank with her it has been fun, but shes the kind of fall down drunk that always causes more problems then you could ever imagine. One time her and I got drunk and after a long and crazy evening we both passed out, or so I thought. I woke up to an apartment filled with smoke because Penny had decided to make some food after I went to sleep and had passed out in the living room long before the meal was finished.

Anyways, enough about her, it was now here 21 birthday and I was on route. At the last minute, as I was leaving I get a surprise call from two good buddies of mine that they have found another party and I should come. I have already committed to Penny, I stick to my original plans which pisses me off to no end since it seems something better has now come up. Begrudgingly, I get ready and head to the party which is taking place in the most bullshit bar I have ever seen on the Danforth, close to Coxwell station. The bar freom the outside looks like it was closed down long ago and and how it passed health inspection is completely beyond me. Nevertheless, I head in to see a group of the most down and out homeless types I have ever seen. Wait, I got side tracked, before I even get in I see Penny having a cigarette out in front of this shit hole and say whats up. She seems to already be slurring drunk and its only 6:30, but it is her birthday so I understand. As i`m talking to her a middle aged black lady walks by and Penny rips into her and starts making fun of her big ass. The woman is not having it and loses her mind on Penny and a screaming match begins with me standing there baffled by the whole chain of events. the woman says that Penny is going to get it and that she `runs`the Danforth but eventually takes off in a huff. After that Penny and I head in and the place is as shit on the outside as it is on the inside. I grab a drink and sit down with the other people there for the party with is a group of gnarly ass derelicts I know from the area.

Heres where it gets fucked, one of the party guests is a recovering crackhead who, for some reason, has decided to relapse tonight and share his adventures with the rest of the party. Penny begins to cry and starts hitting him wildly and storms off. The next thing I remember, Penny was dancing in the bar smoking a cigarette and is soon caught by the bartender who tells her to put it out. Penny is super drunk at this point, its actually several hours after I came and for some reason I thought the night would go off without a hitch, which I was very wrong about. Anyways, Penny goes behind the bar to grab a beer and kicks over a stack of 10 empty beer cases which fall and most of the bottles shatter. The bartender again catches her fucking up but does nothing except clean up the glass and sell Penny another beer. Pennys sister crystal shows up at this point and they begin grinding on each other which is actually the least odd thing that happened that night.

Lets fast forward three more hours of smoking in the bar, throwing and smashing beer bottles and two sisters grinding on each other to where shit really hits the fan. The black lady who was mentioned earlier has now shown up to the bar. In her defense she looks pissed but doesnt say anything to Penny. As soon as Penny sees here it is on. She walks right over to her and starts slapping her own ass saying you big butt bitch, get the fuck out of here. As she walks away she randomly slaps another older lady, and for what reason I have no idea since the two havent spoke all night. although, slapping a complete stranger is not out of character for Penny at all. Back to the story, the black lady goes to pieces and screams at Penny who responds with a empty beer bottle and catches her right across the face. The lady is stunned and grabs Penny by the face. Pennys sister Crystal sees this and hurls her pint glass at the girl and also clocks her in the head. Wile running over, Crystal picks up a pool ball from the table and begins to smash the other girl in the face with it. Penny some how wriggles free and also starts hitting the girl with the beer bottle. I`m about 2 feet away from this at a table drinking a Gin & tonic. No one has tried to stop the fight, barely anyone even looks up. I guess this kind of shit happens often here, I dont know. I dont think the cops were called, I actually think they were driving by and saw what was going on in here and stopped. Either way, 6 or 7 cruisers pull up onto the sidewalk and barricade everyone in the bar. The fight is still going on. And by fight I mean two girls beating the Christ out of the other one with beer bottles and pool balls.

The cops storm in there and I almost expect them to be wearing riot gear. They grab the three girls and separate them but Crystal and Penny keep throwing bottles and chairs at the other lady. At this point the bar tender looses it, which is insane because so much other shit has already happened and he has said nothing and has kept serving us the whole time. The bar tender grabs Crystal by the hair and begins dragging her back and screams at her wile she swats at his face. Penny has cooled off too and is now sitting at my table hollering at the lady who is being held by the police. Heres where the lady fucks up. Im pretty sure most of us would have been arrested, minus me of course, except for the fact that the lady, in a fit of rage, has begun hitting the police officer who is holding her wile trying to break free. She actually punches the cop in the face and after that she is mobbed by most of the officers and arrested. She is still yelling at Penny as she is cuffed and dragged outside. The police leave, they seem pretty fed up with the whole situation and strangely enough the bar tender still serves us more beers after all this and allows us to stay. its about 3 in the morning at this point and close to closing. I am tired but have enjoyed the evening. At no point could I have even predicted that anything close to this was going to happened but fuck, its made for one hell of an evening and one crazy ass story. We all head out of the bar and im getting ready to catch a cab. For whatever reason, Penny and crystal now begin fist fighting in front of the bar. Another girl who has come for the party tries to break it up but has only substituted herself for crystal on Pennys chopping block and is now being smacked around too. The other girl and Crystal yell at Penny a little more and they storm off. Im left standing there and Penny has ran back into the bar, I think she left her purse but I cant remember. All of a sudden a car pulls up and a guy pops out on a cell phone saying yeah, shes still here looking at Penny. I ask the guy whats going on and he says get you fucking friend out of here now or shes going to get shot. I am in shock, I admit the events of the evening were fucked but nothing to get shot over. I run in there and grab Penny and tell her we have to leave now or someone is going to shoot her. In a drunken rage Penny screams let them come. I grab her and a cab and get the fuck out of there before anymore guys come to deal with Penny. I drop her off at her place, thank her for an awesome evening, and take off home.

It is now almost a year later. Tomorrow is Crystal(pennys sister) birthday. This should be interesting. Cross your fingers

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