ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE: Chuck U'farley, you can Fuck U'Offee.

Ladies and gentlemen, it was bound to happen, we, are not surprised, at all.
We here at the Issue Zero Monster Magnet Think Tank knew this was coming, and when it arrived, we were ready.
We got our first hate email. The content focused on some alleged "vandalism."
Understandably, some of the people that find our goals and objectives well-rooted and sound, are not the type you invite to Church, social events, or even to vote. The problem with this is the obvious associations with the criminal element, unsavory types, and the random person walking down the street who is surprisingly apt to assist in the chaos.


"YOU FUCKING VANDAL PIECES OF SHIT! SOME POOR MINIMUM WAGE SHLUB HAS GOT TO CLEAN UP YOUR FUCKING VANDALISM YOU FUCKING COCKSUCKERS! I HOPE YOU ALL ROT IN HELL AFTER BEING RAPED IN THE EYE YOU FUCKING WORTHLESS HIPSTER PIECES OF SHIT DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
-Chuck U'farley.
(Concerned citizen, and unknowingly fueling the fire we started back in January.)

With little actual thought, our response came as such.

(email response)
I am some poor minimum wage shlub.
I've cleaned so much vomit out of toilets and shit off walls it would make your fuckin head spin.
I got paid next to nothing to work to eat while I lived in a house in the woods with no power or running water.
I had to hustle, slang and pull missions (you don't even know how far I'll go) to get in to O.C.A.D. (Ontario Collage of Art and Design, you know.... the "Best one in Canada"?)
and then I dropped out before I killed one of those art fags by holding their neck shut while they tried to explain their creation.

Wow, you think I'm hip?
That's kinda cool.
But you're wrong.
I ain't.

I never put one on a car, or a coffin, or a church or a baby.
So maybe you should just calm down.

P.S.
How many of us do you think there is?
(end email)

Then, later when I thought about it some more, I decided to do a follow up, seeing as somebody wanted my eye raped in, and that maybe as a result I'd die from it, and then later, rot in Hell (which is impossible in any incalculable mystic heat above 60 degrees, in or outside of reality, trust me, I used to be a cook) (people BURN in Hell, not rot) and that person also sent a nameless person an email, with their own full name on it so We thought maybe We'd consider their words further.

(email response)
Either you have some grammar issues, or, you didn't yourself actually clean the "Vandalism" (as you call it,) up?
Or you watched someone actually clean it up, and you felt bad, or, you personally know someone that had to clean it up, or you're one of the several Pizza Pizza franchise owners that I heard about getting it, too.

Oh yeah, I guess I should mention that I've be hand selecting random people to distribute them, I just give them (punks, squeegee kids, metal heads, homeless kids from shelters, frat boys, mechanics, and that brother from Jane and Wilson that wants me to teach abused and homeless children how to make something of themselves that isn't slanging crack and shooting each other, which, by the way, does happen, and it's never in the news) a couple sheets with 5 per, and tell them to hit anything.

Yeah, that's about all.
(end email)

Chuck, you silly motherfucker, everyday you are vandalized in the eye by thousands of advertisements. And you're pissed off abut this? You buy into it calmly, like the chained and sedated lamb in Jurassic Park. You probably know some working class citizens, unable to break free from the herd. And you're pissed off at us? You use the internet, to contact us, and use the words you don't learn in Sunday school. If we here at this fine publication had it our way, resistant types like yourself, would wake up and realize, you're as pissed off about the ways things are in this world as we are.
You think we're hipsters? Really? And what are you basing this wise introspective on?
We gave you a place to vent. Just admit it.

ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE IS NOT SURPRISED AT ALL.
WE ARE UNITING ARTISTS, MUSICIANS, AND SUPPORTERS OF CANADIAN TALENT.
YOU DON'T LIKE IT?
LEAVE.
WE AIN'T GOING NOWHERE.