ISSUE ZERO: The Complete Guide to the Teddy Bears Picnic: the Molitov Cocktail

If you've ever accidentally set a bottle of lighter fluid on fire, and instead of running, you just kinda, stared at it, as it burnt through the coffee table, all glassy in the eyes, then the Molitov Cocktail is your new best friend.

When Soviet People’s Commissar for Foreign AffairsVyacheslav Molotov claimed in radio broadcasts that the Soviet Union was not dropping bombs but rather delivering food to the starving Finns, the Finns started to call the air bombs Molotov bread baskets.^[2] Soon they responded by attacking advancing tanks with “Molotov cocktails.” At first the term was used to describe only the burning mixture itself, but in practical use the term was soon applied to the combination of both the bottle and its contents. This Finnish use of the hand- or sling-thrown explosive against Soviet tanks was repeated in the subsequent Continuation War. Molotov cocktails were eventually mass-produced by the Alko corporation at its Rajamäki distillery, bundled with matches to light them. Production totalled 450,000 during the Winter War. The original design of Molotov cocktail was a mixture of ethanol, tar, and gasoline in a 750 ml bottle. The bottle had two long pyrotechnic storm matches attached to either side. Before use one or both of the matches was lit; when the bottle broke on impact, the mixture ignited. The storm matches were found to be safer to use than a burning rag on the mouth of the bottle.
-WIKIPEDIA

Well, it says there that there's a safer way to make a Moli, (my pet name for the party favor) but to them I say, go turn in your balls and get a whole new line of g-strings before summer gets here, Susan.
The best part about the Moli?
It's so easy to make.
You probably made one, and didn't even know it.

MATERIALS:
- 1 liter bottle (I prefer Vino Magnums)
- Sweet, sweet Gasolina.
- A piece of cloth. (The lone sock left after the goblin raid)

PROCEDURE:
-COMBINE ALL THREE
(Fuck, if you can't figure this one out, I might as well come over to your place and help myself out to your fridge while I make one for you, Susan)
-Shake, Light, Throw Far Away.

ISSUE ZERO WOULD LIKE TO ADVISE THOSE IN FAVOR OF USING OUR ILL-ADVISED TOOLS OF THE TRADE; FINGER PRINTS BURN ON, NOT OFF.

ISSUE ZERO:Chemical Robotiks:Happy Easter

ISSUE ZERO: Doing What We're Told.

For those that think they came up with all their own ideas, believe me, even the best of us admit, we got a little help from a friend.

Sometimes, they are friends we don't want to admit we even have. The fact of the matter is they play a major role in our lives.

ISSUE ZERO: The Bear and the Octopus

Here they are. Issue Zero T-Shirts are now available. They are screen printed and come in a number of colors. We have male and female shirts in a number of different sizes so everyone is covered. The shirts feature an image of a polar bear getting ripped up by an octopus. How cool is that? SUPER FUCKING COOL!

ISSUE ZERO: the Complete Guide to the Teddy Bears Picnic. Vol#0, Iss.#0 "The Potato Cannon."

DISCLAIMER:
You want someone to blame? Go ax your parents why God does what He does...

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, CHILDREN OF ALL AGES, MEMBERS OF THE RESPECTIVE PRESSES...THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU PUT A BEER-SOAKED STUFFED ANIMAL BACK IN THE TOY BOX.

Nothing says lovin' like fresh from the oven, and nothing says "Run!" like pullin out a Potato gun. Don't belive me? Why don't you ask the resident cottagers of the Moon River, in beautiful Bala, Ontario? Between the months of April and November I used to light those things off like you tie your shoes, which is to say, with a slightly confused staggar, in a blind rage from a misunderstanding.

When you push the button, the noise that comes out of the business end is more then enough of a surprize to get your target to actually face you, as unfortunate for them as that would be. A properly built cannon should be able to propel a fist-sized chunk of potato about 200 hundred meters, land in someones face and turn them into a dentists bread and butter and gravy for a fuckin decade. This model is twice the size of the one it's modeled after, so to give an example, I pushed a buddy off a dock with an onion one time. Get your OHIP cards, and your affairs on this mortal coil all sorted out, and lets take a drunken trip to the hardware section.



MATERIALS.

• 24", 4" ABS pipe.
  



• 36", 2" ABS pipe.



• 4" to 2" ABS adaptor.



• 4" cap, with screw lid.



• ABS Adheisive



• A REAL BBQ IGNIGHTER, no fuckin around here.



• A drill, with 1/4" bit.



• A can of Extra-Hold hairspray.



• A 5 lbs bag of Yukon Gold Potatoes.



• 24 bottles of Budweiser.



• A fully audible maniacle laughter to let things (people) know you're coming. (optional.) (the warning part.)

Glue the screw-cap on one end of the 4" ABS pipe, and the 4" to 2" adaptor on the other, using ABS adheisive. Then take the drill and make two holes for the BBQ ingnighter wires. They should be close to the bottom, where the cap is. Put a wire through each hole, and make sure the frayed ends create a visible spark inside the pipe when you push the red button. Now take the barrel, and scrape both the rims like you're trying to sharpen a pencil. Now, when you push your potato on, it will make a perfect seal, so you don't loose compresion. The idea is that you push a potato into one end of the barrel, spray hairspray into the 4" chamber, and put the potato-end into the adaptor, and make it friction-fit and snug.

Aim, and push the button. Goodbye potato. Goodbye Impactee, too.

Once you put one of these fuckers in your hands, you feel like a kid in a candy store with a loaded hand gun. The first time I saw one, I had to have it. To me, not having one was like having a raging bonfire, and no poker. Then, later, having one was like growing a third fuckin arm.SuperHuman.

Trains, cars, phone booths, bikes, buddies, buildings, windows, boats, buddies on boats, people I don't know in wakeboard boats with stupid-lookin "what the fuck is he doin?" faces (they were comin right at me!) Seadoo-ers, phlorescent lights, the TD bank, the Beer Store, public schools, restaurants, weird sounds coming from the bushes, bats (good luck with that one, Fuckos, you need to see what isn't there for that trick,) hydro transformers (take that, Ontario Hydro,) Transformers (take THAT, Optimus Prime..,) Sam fuckin Roberts (don't act like you don't remember, Sammy-boy, we were both there..,) the 606 North, Durnford's Mom's Intrepid (not fuckin bad for 100 meters) the Watha Mohawk Territory sign on Road 38 off hyway 400 (Relax, I'm what they call a "WhiteHawk" in that Rez,) churches, community centres, bridges, off of bridges, Billy's trailer, outside furniture and other trailer, Queen Street (I was the potato gunman on the thrid floor at 800 Adlelaide St. W) 800 Adelaide St. W, Kyle Vickers' left upper rib cage and the list just goes on and on. You wanna walk a mile in a stuffy bear mask? What the fuck are you waiting on...?

There's your check list.

ISSUE ZERO: Chemical Robotiks: Energy Drunk

There have been a lot of stories in the news and on the internet about a new drink consisting of red bull energy drink and vodka. Most of the people who consume this drink praise it as a party starter and the reporters condemn it as a health risk. I personally love the drink, and after some experimentation have found a mix thats even better. Here goes:

Instead of using red bull(because it is in a small can, costs more and actually doesn't pack as much of a hit as other energy drinks) substitute it for Monster. Its a larger can, it tastes better and it packs way more of a punch then red bull. now instead of vodka use Bacardi Big Apple. Its an apple flavored rum but they didn't go short of the alcohol percentage. The number one thing this drink has going for it is the mix ratio. You can honestly fill 75 - 80% of you cup with rum and top off with monster and it will still taste good. In the end the drink is very fruity tasting, is really pleasing to most people, and will glow bright toxic yellow under a black light(I have no idea why) Drinking this is very different then most alcoholic mixes. you actually don't feel as drunk as you normally would but you are also full of energy so if your at a party prepare to be bouncing around but still drunk as fuck. You will have a good time. I guarantee it.

The negative: once the caffeine wears off your absolutely swamped. Its like all the alcohol you drank(and with this mix you can drink a shit load) hits you at once and your out for the count.

Either way, if your looking for a new drink mix to try give this one a whirl. Its tasty, gets you hammered, and glows like radio active waste. what more could you ask for?